On my Own

About 3 years ago, I chatted with a really nice guy, Bryan, on Grindr. He was one year younger than me, white, same height as me, a “decent athlete” body with a beautiful smile and beautiful eyes. He was a Ph.D. student studying forensic anthropology. He is soooo that Fox show called, Bones and I fantasized of him as an FBI agent.


Bryan and I chatted for few days then lost touch when he went out of town for forensic investigation. Exactly a year later, I chatted with Bryan again but this time on OkCupid, completely forgetting that we chatted on Grindr a year before. I gave him my phone number and when he texted me, his name showed up on my contact list. Apparently, we lesmierableskissalso exchanged phone numbers a year ago. We went out on many dates….. Coffee date, drinks date, dinner date, and art gallery. We also went out on a movie date to see Les
While we were walking out of the movie theater, he grabbed me and kissed me in the middle of the street. It felt like a scene from a romantic movie and snow made it even more romantic. He stayed over at my place and sex was amazing. All of his knowledge of bones made it extra special. In the morning, we throughly investigated our boners.

onmyownJust as I was beginning to feel hopeful that I found THE one, he became silent and the momentum ceased. Usually this is when I get irrational and become a high school girl with a crush. To help me think rationally, I had a whine-over-wine session with my friend, Sam. I was telling Sam how I had a suspicious idea that Bryan was seeing someone else. It felt even more pressured because it was right before Valentine’s Day and I had high hopes to do something special for him. But, I felt like I loved him only on my own.

Sam thought I was being paranoid and reassured me that Bryan will call me soon. Right at that moment, while I was sipping my whiny-wine, not believing Sam’s positive outlook, this happened on my phone:


I showed Sam the text messages with a “I told you so” look on my face. On my way home, I bought a pack of cigarettes and another bottle of wine to suppress my emotions.

This past Friday night, I went to a club and saw Bryan there. He was making out with a guy on the dance floor and all the sudden I was in the corner, watching him kiss him, ohhhhh. I was dancing on my own.


Although it has been 2 years, this brought back all the emotions I experienced with Bryan. This time, I did not buy cigarettes and a bottle of whiny-wine. I have to accept that there are people I was rejected by and just as many people I rejected. Somehow these experiences will help me learn more about my ideal relationship. Everyday, I am learning.

8 thoughts on “On my Own

  1. “Somehow these experiences will help me learn more about my ideal relationship.”

    I think it’s safe to say this sentence without the word “somehow.” Not only do self-realizations and lessons we learn through interactions with other people make us stronger (Kelly Clarkson-inspired moment), they allow us to see our self-worth and who is worthy of being with us in a relationship, whatever that relationship may be.

    Thank you for sharing! Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

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