No means no!

Lately, there is disturbingly large amount of reports around sexual assaults in entertainment industry. Between Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, and now George Takei, it’s becoming a weekly thing with new allegations. While, I will never know the culture of entertainment business, but I do see that sex in all forms of media.


What will it take for the industry that over sexualizes itself, to stop these misconducts? While the sexual assault is defined by coerced sexual act against their will or simply unwanted non-consensual contact on genitals. This can range from a touching someone’s genitals without their consent to impairing a person with alcohol or drugs to perform sexual act.

Fortunately, I never been in that severe situation, but there has been many incidents of being groped in a bar or a club in the past. I had mixed views about this. When it first happened, I was in college and and old guy came up behind me to pretty much rubbed his crotch against my butt as I was leaning over a bar to get a drink. I felt incredibly uncomfortable and to make the situation light without making a scene, I laughed it off, got my drinks and rushed off to be with my friends. I also had situations when I was groped in the crotch on the dance floor, but not knowing exactly who it was. Part of me was excited that someone is making an initiation but part of me was annoyed that it happened without knowing who it was.

I think the important factor for these allegations is power dynamics, particularly misuse of power to the victim who is in more vulnerable state. While the incidents I had were mostly benign, I was in a situation I definitely felt vulnerable. Read Stranger Danger a story about Chris, who might have video taped me without my consent.

Another time I was in a vulnerable situation is when a guy wanted to give me a blow job, but I felt uncomfortable based on his physical condition. It was few years ago, when I was out of town, I decided to have a random hook up via Grindr. He invited me over to his office which was a small floral shop. In person, he looked entirely different from the pictures (less attractive in person) and turns out he had a physical disability. I don’t know the extent of his condition but he had trouble walking. I knew he wanted to perform an oral sex and practically begged me. Did I not feeling comfortable because he was not attractive? or was it because he had a physical disability? Regardless, I didn’t want to be rude so I consented. Turns out he was really good at it. 

Also read Thankful, a story about an awkward date with Alex, who had a stroke long time ago.

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