Fumbling towards ecstasy

About 15 years ago, I connected with Chris on AOL GAM4GWM chat room. He is originally from my hometown but was living in Japan at the time. We shared very similar music tastes and somewhat obsessed with BT and Tori Amos. We chatted online for a year, mostly about BT and Tori Amos. And when he moved back to US, we decided to meet in person.

He is white, same as as me, about 6’4, a twink-ish figure with trendy clothes that Japanese hipsters wear. We went to a rave one night and took ecstasy. They say ecstasy enhances all your senses and we were definitely sensual on the dance floor, especially when the DJ played Blue Skies by Tori Amos remixed by BT.

When we got back to his place, we went out to his backyard and laid on a hammock, watching the night sky. It was blue sky but the mood shined and the stars twinkled magically. I kept humming the Tori Amos’s song…. “blue skies are over my head, I said. Let’s go to this magic wonder show.” It was beyond ecstasy – maybe even spiritual.

 Few months after that, he moved to Japan to live with his new boyfriend who was already there. I was very disappointed with this and somewhat heart broken. We kept in touch and few years later, he came back to US and we reconnected. We went to Tori Amos show together. But we lost touch again after that.

Although we are thousands miles apart, every time I see stars at night, I know he is
looking at the same stars where ever he is at.

psychic vs psychologist

During Pre-Grindr era in 2000’s, AOL chat rooms were great way to meet gay men. I was a frequent roommie in GWM4GAM rooms. I chatted with guys through Instant Messages and certainly met many of them in person.

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One night about 10 years ago, I was at a gay club. Between the darkness, flashing dancing floor lights, and few drinks, it was difficult to judge the guys around me. I spotted one guy and started to dance with him. He was about my height, soft build, thin dark hair with blond highlights, big brown eyes and a big smile – the kind of smile that covers the entire face with lots of teeth.

To converse over the thumpa-thumpa blasting music, we had to scream at each others’ ears. He was a 29 year old (I was 25 at the time) high school teacher. Once he told me his name, I quickly realized we have been chatting on AOL for several years. It was a pleasant surprise and I thought to myself, ‘this was meant to be.’

Meeting a boy at a bar and taking them home for sex is not my practice at all. But, I felt compelled to do this. Besides, he’s not a complete stranger since we have known each other virtually for several years. Sex was disappointing, but he was a great kisser.

The weekend after that, we out on a date and when he picked me up, he brought me sunflowers. It was sweetest thing ever! He was an aspiring chef, who taught culinary art at a high school. He was that “cool teacher” type. We talked about food mostly, particularly his passion for cooking and my passion for eating good meals. Again, it was meant to be!

On our second date, he baked me the most delicious strawberry cheesecake. Then he had a surprise for me. He took me to a gay psychic. I have never done this so I was very eager to find out about my future. As the psychic laid out the tarot cards, he looked straight at me and said “You guys are not compatible lovers but good as friends.”

He said it with an intense gay lisp that kinda makes you chuckle a bit. I was not too disturbed with the psychic’s read. I was more curious about my personal future. The psychic also told me that I should be a psychologist – which was my major in college.

That night when he was trying to be affectionate, I turned him down. I don’t really believe in psychic powers, but I realized that we had no sexual chemistry. It took a psychic (or felt like a psychologist) to help me realize that all the “it was meant to be” thoughts were for our friendship. We broke up and lost touch.

It’s been well over 10 years and I decided to google him yesterday. I was shocked to learn that he died from cancer about 4 years after we dated. He was 32 at the time. I regret that I also gave up on our friendship and wish I can go back to do over. I want to go back to that psychic and asked if he had vision of this back then.

sunflower