Be cool. Don’t be an asshole.

Almost 3 years ago, I was chatting with Peter on Grindr. Peter is 10 years younger than me, cute, tall, slender, with a bright smile that is so much bigger probably because of his dark complexion. Peter is Indian so that makes him a gaysian too. He just moved in town to start his medical residency. We met for drinks near his medical school.

Throughout the entire time, he was constantly talking about himself and didn’t ask much about me. I didn’t get any feeling that he had interest in getting to know me. At times, people try to impress someone for the first time by only focusing in their positives. Like online dating websites. We only post the best pictures of ourselves and only talk about positive aspects and achievements. Perhaps Peter was doing everything to impress me but something felt like it was not genuine. I tolerated his self indulgence over 3 drinks and went home.

Few weeks later, I saw him on OkCupid so I messaged him

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unmatch

Shortly after I met Fred  (from last week’s blog awkward first date 2), I met Henry, also on match.com. (I sound like a match.com slut). He is 2 years younger than me, white, tall, with a cute smile. He described himself as a smart, loyal, honest guy with a great sense of humor. He enjoys outdoors and traveling. They are all great qualities I appreciate in a guy.

He also said in his profile: “I try to always be considerate but I know I put my foot in my mouth sometimes.” Based on Fred’s foot fetish situation, I hesitated to contact him, but I did.

We both had interest in art (he majored art history in college) so for our first date, Henry and I went to a local art gallery then to a tapas restaurant. We had a great conversation and I definitely felt the connection. Well, at least I thought I did but after 3 dates, I received this email from Henry:

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This is a familiar experience after Luke, whom I also met on match.com, broke up with me via email. See blog from May 24, red hair + bad red wine = bad date

I didn’t respond to Henry’s email and obviously we didn’t speak after that… Until I ran into him at a bar with Sam (See mom > BF to read about Sam)  Turns out Sam and Henry are friends.

It’s always awkward to run into people who rejected you and I now have two of them standing front of me. I wanted to be courageous so I went up to both of them to say hi. Sam greeted me immediately. And as I was saying hello, Henry introduced himself to me with a hand shake like we are meeting for the very first time.

“Hi, I’m Henry.” 

“Yes. We met before.” I am still shaking his hand awkwardly and thought maybe he didn’t want to say hi front of Sam.

“Oh… how did we meet?” Henry asked me. 

“Um, it was a while ago.”

“Where did we meet? Did we meet through someone?” Henry still had no clue.

“Well, we met …. um…., we went out on dates before and you dumped me.”

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“I am going to shut up now.”

“Yes, you should.” Then I walked away abruptly.

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Oh, and every time I go on Facebook, Henry shows up on People You May Know.

I gave up match.com after Henry because I was unmatched with these thee guys: The coupon queen, Quiero el romance, & Ruuuuude. Hello Grindr! 

CrPuHVzT

awkward first date 2

“I’m looking for a real relationship, a life partner, hopefully someone I will grow old with. I’m very sensitive, caring and passionate. I want to be able to hold my partner’s hand every time we walk. I also have a strong sex drive (I’m a bottom).”

I saw this profile on match.com about 5 years ago and contacted him immediately. His name is Fred, who is one year older than me, French guy who got tired of manhunt.com and decided to try match.com to find his match.

For our first date, he picked me up in his Corvette, which I wasn’t really into. He was definitely into how fast he could go. This was clear when he started to race with another car on a highway. It didn’t seem sensitive, caring or passionate as he described in his profile. I was glad that we arrived at our destination, still alive and intact.

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We went to a park near water which was more romantic atmosphere than in his Corvette. It was a warm sunny day and we got all comfy on the grass. He was comfortable enough to ask about how much money I made. Last week I wrote about 3 topics of avoid during a first date (see awkward first date). Job salary should be 4th.

At this point, Fred hasn’t made a good impression and I kept looking for a positive quality he described in his profile. One thing he was right about was a strong sex drive. He asked about my sexual interests and was very open about his foot fetish. I realize I am bit boring when it comes to sexuality, but It got even weirder when he asked me to show my feet out in public. He should have said “I want to be able to hold my partner’s foot every time we walk” in his match.com profile. That would have been more clear description.

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Despite my rule of giving everyone second chance after first date, Fred was disqualified from that rule.

red hair + bad red wine = bad date

About 7 years ago, I met Luke on match.com, a Jewish doctor. He is same age as me, about my height and weight, and has red hair. (Did I ever mention that I am a huge ginger fan?)

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For our first date, Luke made me the most romantic candlelight dinner at this place. As much as I enjoy drinking red wine, I have very little knowledge in different types of wine, what vineyards they come from, and what oaky, fruity, smoky, or dry tastes are like. I bought a bottle of red I picked from the liquor store because it had a cute label on it.

When I opened it, the cork crumbled into piece into the bottle (THE WORST!!) and it bad-winetasted like vinegar. Luckily he had another bottle. The dinner conversation was going great. We talked about wine of course, work, family, where we grew up, and other random topics relates to gay men.

We had sex afterwards. To be honest, I am probably not the most active participant during sex. I guess one would call me a lazy top. I personally enjoyed with Luke, but I wasn’t sure if he felt the same. I wish there is a swipe right or left to rate sexual performance. Can someone create an app for this?

Instead, Luke sent me an e-mail which reads….“I think you’re a nice guy, but I am not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you. Sorry.”

I wanted to ask if it was because the sex was bad? Instead I replied: “Is it because the wine I brought was bad?”

He replied “yes, it was because of the wine. j/k”

Few years later, my new roommate at the time had a birthday party at a restaurant. And just take a wild guess who is close friend of my new roommate? Luke, the red head, who was sat next to me, drinking red wine. I see him on the street all the time and we also go to the same gym. My roommate told me he has a boyfriend now.

I should have brought vodka to the dinner date instead. Or I just have to be wilder during sex.

kiss me and thrill me

When I was in college, I met MJ. He was few years older than me, a black guy, with a great body for someone who does not work out, and a great sense of humor. We met through mutual friends and always ran into each other at parties. One night, we both had lots of alcohol and he took me to his apartment. His apartment was fully decorated with retro aesthetics…, halogen lamps, beaded curtains.

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We drank more beer on his couch and we started to kiss. Alcohol definitely effects your vision and coordination, because we kept knocking each other’s teeth when we were kissing. It was not sexy at all. I essentially had to put a stop because it was leading into a case of terrible sex. After that, it got awkward so I went home.

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Few months later, I saw him at a party again and this time we weren’t as drunk. I wanted to give a second round and kissed him at the party. It was not good, again!

First kiss usually tells it all.

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Kiss me I’m Irish

While most Americans have no idea who St. Patrick is (and I don’t either), Americans celebrate this Irish holiday by wearing green, drinking lots of green beer, and sending emojicon messages of clovers to everyone.

When I went to Savannah, Georgia last year, I was quite shocked to find out they have one of the biggest St. Patrick’s Day celebration in America.

I am going to celebrate it by recalling all the Irish guy I dated. My 02.02.2015 entry called Love For Football also talks about an Irish guy I dated. 

One guy I met worked in a corporate office of a large retail company. He is in his late 30’s, medium build, and slightly taller than me. We met for coffee and had a casual to boring conversations. Then we went out dancing. He had wild moves. When I say wild I meant like a crazy lunatic who was bumping into everyone on the dance floor. I was terrified and he made me spill my drinks few times. I rejected him after that.

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Another Irish guy I dated was, Bruce, an older gay who was incredibly good looking. I met Bruce through a friend, Cole, and we started to spend time together at a bar, usually talking about very intimate life experiences. He was very sensitive. He was formerly a model and still maintained an amazing physique and handsomeness while in 40’s. Although he expressed interest in dating, he rejected my offer and I was disappointed.

We still kept our friendship. One day, Bruce was telling me about a guy he was rejected by, throwing a pity party saying he gets rejected all the time. I asked him (referencing to my rejection) – “but I am sure you rejected some guys too.” He said no and I quickly pointed myself to remind him. He laughed embarrassingly.

quiero el romance

About 5 years ago, I was on match.com to find a perfect match. On these profiles, people only describe best qualities and post best photos of themselves. This often may not be 100% accurate to their true self which I end up finding out in person. But, it is the only way to make an impression to get noticed. I, of course, had a description of myself in the utmost positive ways and posted pictures I looked good in, which includes a photo of me skydiving.

I received a message from Santiago, a Mexican-American who was same age as me. His profile described himself as a fun, loving, studious, and spiritual guy. Other qualities include generosity, kindness, light heartedness and a healthy lifestyle. And he was looking to meet guys for friendships and potentially dating.

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His message to me said: “I liked your profile. Neat skydiving pic! There is something about the idea of jumping out of an airplane that really appeals to me. I once went zip lining from top of a tall tree in Mexico and it was amazing. Anything that challenges my fear is appealing.”

When it comes to meeting someone online, I always meet for coffee or drinks for the first date. You don’t want to be stuck with a terrible date throughout the entire meal. Also, if coffee/cocktail date goes well, you have the option to go to a different place afterwards or have a follow up date. Also, for a second date, lunch or brunch is a safe option. It’s a shorter meal than dinner and can give you an easy escape option. Santiago and I met for coffee.

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He was tall, wore a pair of nerdy-sheik glasses that were so sexy on him.  He had a pale skin tone, appearing more white than Mexican. His Spanish accent was stronger than my coffee, which I find muy caliente!

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We had a great conversation and I suggested ice cream after coffee. While we were walking around to enjoying our ice cream cone, a heavy down pour rain storm came suddenly. We had no umbrella so we ran, seeking shelter. And by the time we got into a building, we were both drenched and our ice creams were completely ruined. I found it somewhat romantic but he seemed very displease. He ended our date abruptly.

For someone who finds an appeal from challenging fear, a little bit of getting soaked from summer rain should not be a major issue. Maybe he was upset that he didn’t get to finish his ice cream.

I never heard back from him after that.

St. Valentine vs. Buddha

I used to go to this Thai buddhist temple and it wasn’t for spiritual practice reasons. Every Sundays, they served Thai food to raise money for the temple. I even joked and called it the “Thai restaurant.” One day after eating at the “Thai restaurant,” I received a message from a stranger on myspace.com. No one uses that anymore, but it was the hottest trend between Friendster and Facebook eras.

Ron sent me a message saying “it’s a long shot, but were you at the buddhist temple yesterday?” He apparently saw me there and I guess stalked me, just like any normal person would do an extensive google search when you meet a hot guy. We decided to meet in person.

Ron is same age as mine, white, about same height, slightly pudgy, and hair long enough have a man-bun. I think a guy with pony tail in a man-bun is so gross.

He had such a passion for Eastern traditions and identified himself as a buddhist. He valued living a simple life and devalued materialism, which clashed with queer culture of having the newest iPhones and designer jeans that cost as much as rent. With his enthusiastic taste of east, I suggested that we try every Asian restaurants as our date venues. We had Sushi, Chinese dim sum, Korean, Vietnamese, Cambodian, Malaysian, Indian and Thai (not at THE “Thai restaurant.”)

I usually confuse friendship interest with romantic relationship interest so I had to carefully examine my interest in Ron. I did have strong feelings for him, which immediately turns into fear of rejection paralyzing my efforts to take it further. Ron wanted to be in a relation but I was not ready.

Few months went by and I took him to a gay bar. During the time of my ambivalence, he cut his hair and lost weight. Suddenly, I was very very attracted to him and I could not hold back my feelings any longer. Whether it was booze or being around horny gay boys, I cornered Ron against a wall and started to make out with him. This elevated our relationship to sleep-overs. He lived in a tiny garage-turned-into-an-apartment by the beach. Again, very simple lifestyle, which is very different from my life of living in a luxurious downtown apartment. Although we had such a different lifestyles, I began to appreciate him more and more. Plus, it was just so nice to cuddle at night.


It was Valentine’s Day and he took me to a paint-your-own pottery glazing studio, where I always wanted to do. He then bought me an orchid plant for the pottery I painted. I thought ‘this is the best Valentine’s date ever!’ I was proud of myself to let go of my irrational fears and enjoy the possibility of not being rejected.


dont-be-a-cunt-buddha-quoteThere is a time every relationships will experience first disagreement and we were no different. Ron really wanted to go to a strawberry festival where they have rides, fried foods, and lots of screaming children. This is not an appeal for me at all, but Ron insisted that we go together. I continued to refuse and he became upset. He said the strawberry festival is very important to him. He also lectured about importance of  compromise in a relationship. He gave me an example of how he had no interest in going to the gay bar, where we first kissed, but he went anyways as a compromise. I still didn’t go to the strawberry festival.

Few weeks after that I was seeking his support from a dilemma. I had an amazing job offer but conflicted to accept because there would be a salary decrease. I expected him to be supportive, but Ron judged me. He thought I was being shallow because money was the decision making factor to take a great job opportunity.

After these two incidents, I noticed our phone calls shorter and less frequent than usual. When I confronted him about it, his response was “that’s an accurate observation” then he broke up with me.

I did end up taking a that job offer and the very first project at my new job was a program contract with Ron. Awkward!!! During the project planning, we maintained our professionalism and I tried not to bitch slap him. We maintained friendship and Ron told me about a new guy he was seeing. It turns out they were hanging out around the time of the festival.

We kept in touch for many years as friends. One day, I talked to Ron about an interesting experience when a hot guy who was in a long distance relationship flirted with me then invited me over to his place. Although we didn’t have sex or even kissed, something about cuddling with a guy who has a boyfriend made me feel weird. Ron had his strong opinions about my behavior. Ron said that that’s considered as cheating and I was “the other guy.” Then I confronted him about when we dated and how he was seeing another person at the same time. He then corrected me that we were never in a relationship.

Ron and I had very different value systems. Although it validated my irrational fears of rejection, I did enjoy the few months of bliss with Ron. I am not a buddhist, but I appreciate concepts of selfless gestures, non-materialism, and non-harm to others. I just didn’t appreciate Ron being so judgy.

Buddha-kept-it-real-300x300I told my friend about Ron’s importance of strawberry festival and my friend started labeling seriousness with strawberry-festival-important. “Stretch after running. It’s strawberry festival important!”

Ruuuuude

This blog entry is just purely telling a story of a bad date and I will blog about other bad dates periodically.

I met Billy on match.com. He was in his late 30’s, Italian guy who is bald that makes him look sexy given his stocky built. We went to a swanky bar for drinks one night. His confidence can easily be mistaken for arrogance but oddly that attracted me even more. I agreed to go out on a second date and he took me to a fancy restaurant. We ordered a bottle of red wine and an appetizer cheese plate.

Fine dining experience includes the wine presentation by the server, which the server shows you the bottle then opening the bottle, pour, taste, approve, then pour again. I am so not into all that but I admit it does make me feel all classy.

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When the server was holding the bottle of the Cabernet we ordered and about to open, Billy abruptly says “you can open it and leave it.”  Judging by the server’s facial expression, she was shocked with his demand and I was also shocked, sharing her confusion. Billy poured the wine for me and then himself. I took several sips to suppress my discomfort after his strange behavior.

Few minutes later, the server brought the cheese plate and explained that they ran out few items so chef rearranged other available cheese for us. With sincere apology, she reassured that the cheese plate will be taken off the bill.

“So it’s free?” Billy asked.

“Yes, we will comp this from your check.”

“Then I don’t want it.”

200_sThis time, the server had a disgust on her facial expression and it made me want to hug her.

“I want it.” I told the server and began to eat them.

I told Billy that it was delicious and continued with the dinner conversation. As we went through the meal with the typical get-to-know-each-other questions about work, school, family, sports, hobbies, and etc. I began to develop more interest and found him more and more appealing despite his treatment towards the server.

Towards the end of the meal, table next to us, a straight couple who was just finished their appetizer, was greeted with their entree dishes from their server. One of them was a seafood dish.

“Well, that smells fishy.” Billy blurts out to them.

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I think I crawled under the table at that moment and it wasn’t to give him a BJ under the table.

After the dinner, he drove me home and he asked me if he talked too much during the dinner. He explained that he was nervous because it has been a long time since last time he went out a date. I wasn’t sure if he meant to ask if he was rude. I told him yes and started to make out with him in his car. Surprisingly, he was very gentle and almost held back. There were no follow up dates but I ran into him at a bar one night. He offered to buy me a drink and I asked him for a bottle of wine but only if the bartender opens it for me. He chuckled then ordered me a beer instead.