Namaste bitches

About 3 years ago, I met Mike for coffee after chatting with him on Grindr for few weeks. Mike is about 10 years older than me, white guy who just ended an almost 20 year relationship. They were practically married, living together with like 5 dogs, which they had to split custody of when they broke up. He rationalized that break-up created an opportunities to focus on his growth and was a pivotal moment in his life to have a fresh start. Instead of focusing on sadness from loss, he focused on compassion and kindness.

Mike values connection between spiritual body and physical body. (BTW, he is RIPPED from doing yoga daily.) I, myself, practice yoga frequently. For most people, yoga is physical fitness and even gyms now offer yoga classes. Yes, I think it’s a good form of exercise. And, I totally want to look like Adam Levine.

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But for me, yoga is also exercising my mind and my spirit. There is an element in yoga where you find peace within through meditation. I try channeling this to my day-to-day life circumstances. I try to practice kindness and compassion to myself and others. After all the negative dating experiences, it’s easier to carry a pessimistic attitude. I am learning to find gratitude. I guess this is called soul searching.

I have been reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and this quote really resonated with me:

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I am constantly reminded of needing to finding a soul mate from seeing couples holding hands in the streets or friends telling me about their wonderful relationships and constant exposures from TVs, movies, and magazines showing images of those perfect couples. While I aspire to be in a relationship, I have learned to fully appreciate singlehood which helps me to be introspectful. It really helps me to place that mirror front of me to reflect every little wrinkles and imperfections, only to learn how to love myself unconditionally. When I am in a dark place, it is when people come into my life to help me find the light and grow.

Speaking of guys who practice buddhism, I have gone out with few of them. Read about Ron (St. Valentines vs. Buddha) and Scott (Size Queen 2). As for Mike, he moved out of town and we lost touch. 

 

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St. Valentine vs. Buddha

I used to go to this Thai buddhist temple and it wasn’t for spiritual practice reasons. Every Sundays, they served Thai food to raise money for the temple. I even joked and called it the “Thai restaurant.” One day after eating at the “Thai restaurant,” I received a message from a stranger on myspace.com. No one uses that anymore, but it was the hottest trend between Friendster and Facebook eras.

Ron sent me a message saying “it’s a long shot, but were you at the buddhist temple yesterday?” He apparently saw me there and I guess stalked me, just like any normal person would do an extensive google search when you meet a hot guy. We decided to meet in person.

Ron is same age as mine, white, about same height, slightly pudgy, and hair long enough have a man-bun. I think a guy with pony tail in a man-bun is so gross.

He had such a passion for Eastern traditions and identified himself as a buddhist. He valued living a simple life and devalued materialism, which clashed with queer culture of having the newest iPhones and designer jeans that cost as much as rent. With his enthusiastic taste of east, I suggested that we try every Asian restaurants as our date venues. We had Sushi, Chinese dim sum, Korean, Vietnamese, Cambodian, Malaysian, Indian and Thai (not at THE “Thai restaurant.”)

I usually confuse friendship interest with romantic relationship interest so I had to carefully examine my interest in Ron. I did have strong feelings for him, which immediately turns into fear of rejection paralyzing my efforts to take it further. Ron wanted to be in a relation but I was not ready.

Few months went by and I took him to a gay bar. During the time of my ambivalence, he cut his hair and lost weight. Suddenly, I was very very attracted to him and I could not hold back my feelings any longer. Whether it was booze or being around horny gay boys, I cornered Ron against a wall and started to make out with him. This elevated our relationship to sleep-overs. He lived in a tiny garage-turned-into-an-apartment by the beach. Again, very simple lifestyle, which is very different from my life of living in a luxurious downtown apartment. Although we had such a different lifestyles, I began to appreciate him more and more. Plus, it was just so nice to cuddle at night.


It was Valentine’s Day and he took me to a paint-your-own pottery glazing studio, where I always wanted to do. He then bought me an orchid plant for the pottery I painted. I thought ‘this is the best Valentine’s date ever!’ I was proud of myself to let go of my irrational fears and enjoy the possibility of not being rejected.


dont-be-a-cunt-buddha-quoteThere is a time every relationships will experience first disagreement and we were no different. Ron really wanted to go to a strawberry festival where they have rides, fried foods, and lots of screaming children. This is not an appeal for me at all, but Ron insisted that we go together. I continued to refuse and he became upset. He said the strawberry festival is very important to him. He also lectured about importance of  compromise in a relationship. He gave me an example of how he had no interest in going to the gay bar, where we first kissed, but he went anyways as a compromise. I still didn’t go to the strawberry festival.

Few weeks after that I was seeking his support from a dilemma. I had an amazing job offer but conflicted to accept because there would be a salary decrease. I expected him to be supportive, but Ron judged me. He thought I was being shallow because money was the decision making factor to take a great job opportunity.

After these two incidents, I noticed our phone calls shorter and less frequent than usual. When I confronted him about it, his response was “that’s an accurate observation” then he broke up with me.

I did end up taking a that job offer and the very first project at my new job was a program contract with Ron. Awkward!!! During the project planning, we maintained our professionalism and I tried not to bitch slap him. We maintained friendship and Ron told me about a new guy he was seeing. It turns out they were hanging out around the time of the festival.

We kept in touch for many years as friends. One day, I talked to Ron about an interesting experience when a hot guy who was in a long distance relationship flirted with me then invited me over to his place. Although we didn’t have sex or even kissed, something about cuddling with a guy who has a boyfriend made me feel weird. Ron had his strong opinions about my behavior. Ron said that that’s considered as cheating and I was “the other guy.” Then I confronted him about when we dated and how he was seeing another person at the same time. He then corrected me that we were never in a relationship.

Ron and I had very different value systems. Although it validated my irrational fears of rejection, I did enjoy the few months of bliss with Ron. I am not a buddhist, but I appreciate concepts of selfless gestures, non-materialism, and non-harm to others. I just didn’t appreciate Ron being so judgy.

Buddha-kept-it-real-300x300I told my friend about Ron’s importance of strawberry festival and my friend started labeling seriousness with strawberry-festival-important. “Stretch after running. It’s strawberry festival important!”