cock block

After a mutual right-swipe, I have been chatting with Lance on Tinder since summer of 2014. Lance is same age as me, white, slender body, dark hair, and blue eyes rimmed with a pair of geeky plastic frame glasses that all the hipsters wear these days. I found him incredibly attractive and we flirted and sexted without being too dirty.

One weekend, Lance happened to be in the neighborhood and I was at a bar nearby. He came over and we immediately clicked as if we have been friends for a long time. His voice was masculinely raspy, deep, and sexy, which contradicted his boyish body. We made plans to hang out the next night and he invited me to his house party.

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Sexual Chemistry 2

On 06.14.2015 (Sexual Chemistry), I blogged about Aaron, a chemistry teacher who had no sexual chemistry with me. Today, I am going to blog about a reversed situation.

Few years after I met Aaron, I dated Paul, who is about 5 years older than me, white, skinny-runner type body with dorky glasses that suits him well. Paul was probably the nicest guy I ever dated. I remember when I got sick, he came over to my place first thing in the morning before he went to work, just to drop off a bag of healing goodies. It contained a can of chicken soup, orange juice, magazines, and a teddy bear. I instantly felt better.

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We also shared a common interest of musicals and I spent many nights cuddled up with him on couch, watching Glee.tumblr_static_tumblr_inline_mm9a1r849i1qb26fr

However, having sex with Paul felt like a chore. I had to put a lot of effort to enjoy it and at times I didn’t want to do it. To kinky it up, I suggested we go see Kinky Boots, being musical fans we are. He immediately bought the tickets.

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In the meantime, I thought we needed romantic get away trips to be more intimate. Coincidentally, his friend who lives out of town was getting married, so he invited me to be his date for the wedding. Typically, dates of wedding guests are long term relationship partners, so I believed our relationship elevated at this point. All of Paul’s friends embraced me in their group and I instantly gained a new circle of friends.

For some reason, I always cry at weddings. Also, it was my very first gay wedding so it was extra emotional for me. Love was definitely in the air, as I watched two guys hold hands smiling at each other front of their family and friends and an ocean view in the background on a sunny late summer day.

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After the ceremony, many of the wedding guests went to a gay bar at night. I met these two cute guys and I was obviously flirting with them. Paul came up to us and introduced himself. My initial reaction was ‘what the fuck? You’re cock-blocking me!’ 

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I definitely felt something special that day but it had nothing to do with Paul. I struggled because Paul has almost everything I wanted in a boyfriend: great personality, kindness, common interests, a successful career, an amazing house, and a fun group of friends. Then I realized that’s just what friendship is. I had no sexual chemistry with him and it took me 6 months, a gay wedding, and almost $200 Kinky Boots tickets to realize that.

About a week after the wedding, Paul was going to host a dinner party with few friends, but I decided to break up with him before that. He took it better than I had expected until I got an e-mail from him. I was expecting to be emotional one, instead he invoiced me.

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Perhaps Paul was angry and hurt and this was the only way he could feel not be angry or hurt. As I write this blog, I also realized that Steve from last week’s blog (Fireworks) was me and Paul was Steve. 

When it comes to finding a boyfriend, is it possible to have both personality/life style connection and sexual chemistry? I often find myself meeting guys with one or the other. Or even I find both connections, the feelings are not mutual.

I see Paul around sometimes. When he sees me, he totally ignores me. However, his friends still adore me and always greets me unconditionally. I actually feel more sad about losing his friends more than the relationship with Paul.