Fireworks by a fireman

About 4 years ago, I went on a vacation trip at a lake house with a bunch of friends for 4th of July weekend. There were 17 of us and pretty much all of us knew each other, except for one guy, Troy, who is a friend of a friend. So for most of us, it was the first time meeting Troy.

Troy is a white guy in his 30’s, who is a fireman.  For someone who has a sexualized profession, he had a pudgy body type and a baby face that portrays innocence more than sex.

So there we were, 17 gays plus lots of booze at a private lake. Of course Fourth of July is not complete without sparklers. Troy, of all people, decided to light them up inside the house. I thought firefighters were suppose to fight fire not start it. I quickly chased the dumb dumb outside to spark up the sparklers. 

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Fireworks

About 3 years ago around the time of 4th of July, I met Steve from OkCupid. Steve, who is an Egyptian, is same age as me, short, hairy, with beautiful hazel eyes. He just moved to the city. I know being a newbie in town can be hard so I invited him to watch the July 4th fireworks with my friends. When we were watching the fireworks, he had his hand around my waist and it made me smile. To me, it meant, he was interested more than a friendship and I felt the fireworks in my heart.

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Next few days, we tried to plan an unique date and we settled to dinner at a “surprise” location, which the only clue was “international.” He joked that I might need to bring a passport. He came over to my place to pick me up. When he came in, we did a little role play by pretending to be an international security officer at an airport and demanded to perform a pat-down search on me. He then pretended to get a condom and a lube out of my pocket.

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“Sir, what is this for?”  He asked authoritatively.

“It’s for safety during a long flight.”

“It’s not allowed on the plane.” As he takes them.

“Then I guess it has be used now before I get on.”

We had sex and it was also fireworks. For dinner, he took me to a West African restaurant but didn’t need to have our passports with us to go there.

After dinner, he went home and we exchanges these text messages:

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Few days after, he called me to tell me that he was attracted to me, but was is not feeling the romantic chemistry. He said he was confused about his interest in me with being new in town. “It’s like I am in the wilderness and I have no compass. I am new to town and I am just looking for friends.”

“Well I don’t like to strip search role play to have sex with my friends.”

“I am very sorry I screwed things up between us. But I hope time can heal. I do care about you. Again I very very sorry I caused you pain. That was not my intention”

How do I distinguish friendship affection and romantic affections? Is there a difference? I often greet my friends with a hug and occasionally kiss on the cheek. But certainly, I don’t have sex with my friends.If we met as friends and without sex/sexting, I wonder if we would have been able to be in a relationship? Maybe fireworks made it falsely exciting. 

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Rejection is extremely difficult for me but I accepted his apology. Then about 6 months later we decided to meet for coffee. He came 30 minutes late. I think my emotions were never fully healed. I observed my heart being completely shut down and could not open up to him. Normally, I have a lot of patience but everything he said or did was irritating me.  It’s too bad, because he really does seem like a nice guy. 

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