divorce equality too

For the month of June, LGBTQ communities throughout the world have been celebrating pride. This weekend was even more proud when Supreme Court ruled to allow all 50 states to legalize gay marriage. Rainbow was literally exploding everywhere.

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However, the definition of marriage seems so subjective. There is a legal definition and religious definition. There is also a personal value to what marriage means to two in a relationship. On 04.12.2015 blog, I briefly talked about open relationships being a norm in gay culture. I know this because I hooked up with 3 guys, Rob, Scott, and Eric. Each of them were married (to guys).

About 3 years ago, I met Rob through a friend, Sam, (whom I was whine-wine’ing with from 04.05.2015 blog On my own), when Rob and his husband of 16 years had us over to their brand new condo. They lived in a high rise flat with an amazing skyline view of the city from their balcony, where we had dinner cooked by Rob’s husband. So there I am, sitting at a gorgeous balcony with a gorgeous view, eating on a gorgeous table setting, prepared by gorgeous guys.

Few months later, Rob invited me over to his place again. He was home alone. It was awkward, but we had sex and I somewhat regretted it. Later that year, I learned that he and his husband divorced. Since, Rob found another boyfriend and now married for the second time.

I met Scott through another friend at a bar few years ago. The Scarlet Letter still 5Scott was very flirty and I was very attracted to him. I certainly enjoyed the attention until he told me that he was getting married in one week and I thought ‘damn it, all the good ones are taken.’ Scott and I had a chance to spent some time together for few months and he came over to my place one night. He became physically flirty and as we begin to kiss, I thought ‘can I possibly be in a relationship with him?’ He probably heard my thoughts because he paused at one point. He explained he and his husband were in an open marriage. Few months after that, I bumped into Scott at a party and he introduced me to his husband. The entire time at the party, I felt like I was Demi Moore wearing a red letter A on my chest. Scott and his husband recently separated and I still question myself ‘can I possibly being a relationship with him?’

rs_464x749-150224155903-634-2calvin-harris-malibuLast year, I met Eric through another friend. Eric has the most amazing body ever. He has that sexy V obliques. I couldn’t resist when he suggested to hang out at our place. With Eric, I knew he and his husband were in an open relationship. Because I only had physical attraction to Eric, so having sex with him was not as awkward.

Also, read Keep it in the Closet blog from 04.19.2015, which was about the str8 married guy whom I hooked up with.

With these experiences, I wonder if there is a such thing as happily married ever after. Or is marriage a constant efforts by two people to survive in the relationship? I personally value monogamy, especially if I am married. If I was in a relationship that is open, perhaps relationship is not ready for marriage. Half of married couples in US divorce. Now gays can get married anywhere in US, I wonder what the divorce rate will be like.

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It DOES get better

“Is it the toilet or do you smell like shit?”

Jon asked while he was cleaning the toilet with the toilet brush, Don was cleaning the shower with shower brush, and I was brushing my teeth with the electronic toothbrush. I probably still smelled of alcohol, cigarette smoke, and sweat from dancing all night at Flavor, the biggest gay club in town. I spat out the minty toothpaste in the sink, making an awful gagging sound. When I told them where I went the night before, Jon had a big grin on this face and I can also feel Don smiling in the bathtub, which meant they knew the flavor of Flavor.

Jon and Don were middle-aged men-maids who cleaned my family’s house every other Wednesdays at 9 am and they were the very first people I came out to. Jon and Don (yes their names rhyme) have been together since high school and their story is soooo “It gets better.” Mine is still getting better.

When I was high school, I met my first boyfriend, Ethan, from the LGBTQ youth group. About a handful of gay teens from different high schools met weekly at a gay coffee shop to create a supportive environment when we felt not supported in our home environment.

Ethan, a twink-ish white boy, was very clear about how he was attracted to me. – “I love your eyes. I love your skin. I love your face. I love your hair.”

“Do you love my personality too?” In order for me to develop some level of trust with him, I needed reassurance that he was interested in me as a person, and not just fascinated with my facial features.

We spent time together every weekend and even skipped classes during the week to see each other, often exploring our sexualities. He was definitely a good kisser and I had that good-funny stomach turns upside-down feeling every time we kissed. However, I began to notice more and more negative aspects of Ethan which I overlooked in the begining because I liked him and enjoyed the fact that someone showed interested in me.

One night, I had a party at my house when my parents were out of town. While my friends and I were smoking pot in the back yard, Ethan stood in the kitchen in the dark with lights off staring at us through the window. This bizarre and creepy behavior was hysterically funny to my stoned friends but it frightened me. I went inside and asked if he was ok.

“No, I am not ok. I want to go home, but if I was at home, I would be killing myself right now.”

He explained about growing up in an unstable family due to father’s alcoholism. All he wanted was to be with positive people who cared about him and me smoking pot felt the opposite of that. He was torn; he didn’t want to be with me and he didn’t want to go home.

Ethan and I did not have the same outcome as Jon and Don’s relationship, but we had similar childhoods of having alcoholic fathers. I wonder if Ethan felt any less isolated during the brief time we were together when we needed to explore our sexuality.  I never saw Ethan again, but few months after finishing high school, I heard from another LGBTQ youth group member that he was doing well.

After I came out of the closet to the people who clean closets, Jon gave me a big hug and told me how proud he was of me.

“Wear a condom!!” Don warned me by pointing the shower brush at me.

They were very much my father figures (no, no, no, not in a daddy-son way). And life did get little better knowing I had their support.