love is love

It’s pride month. People across the country and throughout the world are celebrating diversity by marching in parades, attending festivals, and participating advocacy events. Whether you are G, L, B, T, Q, or any other alphabet letters, rainbow is brighter when all colors come together.

Early this morning, a tragic shooting happened in Orlando, Florida. It has impacted me even more because it was in a gay night club. It reminded me of the Queer as Folk (US version) episode when there was a bombing at Babylon (poor Cyndi Lauper).

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sexual chemistry

I met Aaron about 6 years ago though a mutual friend. He is 2 years older than me, white, tall and slightly overweight. He had amazing big blue eyes and I am a big sucker for that. He is a chemistry professor, who had a nerdy sex appeal.

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After our dinner date, he took me to his office at his college campus. We talked while he was checking his emails from students.

Whenever he spoke, he would rub his hands together back and forth, like he was warming them up in cold weather.

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He would then lick his lips before he spoke. I found it so cute. I think it was the scientist in him to process information before he spoke. He was always thoughtful about his words and I felt like I was mouthful.

We were definitely mouthful when we kissed. He was gentle and staring at his big blue eyes enhanced the kissing experience. I then had this visual fantasy of having sex in the professor’s office. But I was too cautious so we went back to his apartment. He lived with two straight roommates, who were also nerdy hot. I probably spend more time talking to them than with Aaron.

When we were about to have sex in his room by me taking his clothes off, he declined and kept putting his clothes back on. He told me he wanted to wait until he felt more comfortable. This is a reasonable decision, but I felt very rejected.  Plus having two other hot straight guys in the apartment made me even more sexually eager.

Rejection is very difficult to accept and sexual rejection is even more traumatizing for me. I also have to remind myself that I didn’t feel comfortable with certain guys and had to decline their sexual initiatives. Aaron might have wanted to be sure that I am trustworthy to be intimate. Or he didn’t have sexual chemistry with me. 

We drifted apart after few dates but I see him every once in a while. Even though he was a chemistry professor, he could not create a good chemistry between us. 

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sex, drugs rock & roll vs. peace, love & harmony

I met Rick about 15 years ago. I was in college at the time and he was a professor in the criminology department of the same university. Rick is a white guy, in his late 30’s with a stocky-built and a goatee that made him age a little. He was just coming out of the closet and I was one of his first guys to be with. He had a kind personality and very much into sweet romantic gestures.

We dated for few months and I remember the time I stayed over at his gigantic 3 bedroom house for the weekend. In the morning, we were brushing our teeth in the bathroom in our tighy-whities. I saw of us in mirror and found it oddly sexy.

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For my birthday, he gave me a book called “Many Lives, Many Masters” by Brian L Weiss, MD. Inside the book, he wrote: I hope you enjoy this book as much as I did. Remember, be the master of your life. Happy birthday! love, Rick. I really enjoyed this book and found this quote profound. It reads:

“Balance and harmony are neglected today, yet they are the foundations of wisdom. Everything is done to excess. People are overweight because they eat excessively. Joggers neglected aspects of themselves and others because they run excessively. People seem excusably mean. They drink too much, smoke too much, carouse too much (or too little), talk too much without content, worry too much. There is too much black-or-white thinking. All or none. This is not the way of nature…… Humankind has not learned about balance, let alone practiced it. It is guided by greed and ambition, steered by fear. In this way it will eventually destroy itself. But nature will survive; at least the plants will.”

I find myself torn when I need to find balance and harmony, yet feel pressured by queer culture to be ambitious and face fears constantly. Gays have to be extremely ambitious to succeed because we fear being failures in society. We must defend marriage equality, stand-up against homophobia, and ACT UP, FIGHT AIDS!

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Because LGBTQ people are so oppressed in society, the only way to balance that is to be excessive. Perhaps, it’s a yin & yang, which oppositions create harmony.

Another aspect of gay culture I feel conflicted by is greed. Of course I like to party-hardy sometimes, but alcohol and substance use can be excessive in gay culture to the point to abuse. I have seen way too many friends destroy their lives after becoming acquainted with Tina.

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To celebrate freedom, pride festival is sometimes borderline live porn scenesOpen relationships among gay men are becoming more of a norm, which they have boyfriends and get to have sexual encounters outside of the relationship.

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Yes, I do enjoy no strings attached sex occasionally (sometimes even with guys who are in open relationships) but for me, it has be good, safe, and with a right person. I think that’s called making love, right? I realized I am a minority in gay culture when it comes to wanting romance over sex and I feel like I am the only one who has never been to a bath house.

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It was particularly evident when my doctor (at a LGBT health center) said I don’t need to be screened for STD’s or HIV when he reviewed risk behavior questions, as he compared to my gay peer group. Regardless, I get tested yearly.

As a criminology professor, I am sure Rick certainly fought many crimes and did not abuse alcohol or drugs. When I was dating Rick, he wanted to be in a monogamous intimate relationship. However, at that time, I was more consumed by what gay culture told me to want: sex, drugs, and rock & roll. Now I want peace, love & harmony.

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I lost touch with Rick about 10 years ago and last thing I heard was he was in a committed relationship.

Love + Adventure = Happiness

I am currently reading a book called “Into the Wild” by Jon Krakauer and this paragraph in the book intothewildmade me pause and ponder.

“So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.”

IMG_1771This reminded me of Jeremy whom I met about 10 years ago. He was in his 30’s and worked in the military service. He was slightly shorter than me, but fairly built, that “all-American” type with piercing blue eyes that puts a spell on you.

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Although I have a “no sex on first date” policy, I was so turned on by his military trained rock hard physique so I violated this policy. Sex was so loud that I heard our neighbors giggling during. I usually get very vulnerable staying naked after cumming and post-sex chitchats are always awkward. But, his eyes, again, distracted me and we cuddled, as he told me about this three important passions in life: friendship, adventure, and love. He has traveled to many different countries and lived in some places while he was stationed. He spoke in conviction (with his blue eyes) about friendships and how he stayed loyal to many people he has met worldwide.

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As an introvert, it is extremely challenging for me to talk to people. During the entire plane ride, I mostly keep to myself sitting next to a passenger I don’t know. When I am out at bars, I tend to mingle with my friends rather than trying to meet new people. But, if someone does approach me, people find me very easy to talk to.

Jeremy’s definition of happiness was the most simplistic view yet the most important core principles to live by daily. He inspired me to be more adventurous and dip my toes in the extroverted world. For the past 10 years, I visited at least one new city every year and during the travel, I did at least one new adventurous activity like parasailing, snorkling, water-skiing, skydiving, and zip-lining. I always return home from these trips feeling more confident and enlightened. 

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Jeremy eventually moved to California and we occasionally have phone sex. We also exchange Christmas cards every year.