The time I was sexiled by my crush.

As human beings, we all want to be loved. While we search for loving connections, dating can be a roller coaster with the destination being the sense of belonging. We go on a while love roller coaster ride, hitting many ups an lows, thrills and fear, knowing there is an end to the ride. Though the seatbelt keeps us safe, often we experience heart aches. Some can’t wait to get on another roller coaster while someone are forever traumatized and will never get on any roller coasters again.

I experienced many disappointments along the way. When I start to develop feelings for someone and they don’t have the mutual feeling, I immediately perceive that as a rejection. But I am also an equal offender and have been the heart breaker. Read Sexual Chemistry 2 about Paul.

About 5 years ago, I matched with a guy named Eddy on Tinder. He same age as me with otter physique and beautiful eyes behind geeky glasses, all of which I am most attracted to.

Over the years, we hung out in large social settings, either hanging out his friends or vice versa. Few years ago, two circles of our friends joined when a small group of us from each circle went on a trip together.I decided to share a hotel room (and a bed) with Eddy. 

As we consume a large amount of alcohol consumption at the local gay club, as any gays would, I danced with Eddy in a fashion that will make everyone assume we will hook up. Of course we made out too. At one point between a pee break and getting more drinks at the bar, I couldn’t find Eddy. My first instinct was to look for him but I also wanted to just have fun with my friends too. Few hours went by, I gave up on search of Eddy and went back to the hotel. The last thing I expected was Eddy in “our” bed of the hotel room, having sex with someone. I am not sure if he realized I walked in the room but he didn’t stop. Maybe I had the option to join for a ménage à trois, but I was really bothered by this. I stormed out of the room, feeling rejected. I was sexiled by my crush and I was crushed. After being sexiled out of my own hotel room, I found a haven in my friend’s room to sleep for the night.

In the morning, I carefully examined my jealousy. I realized I had strong feelings for Eddy and hoped for him to have same feelings towards me. I also realized many guys I had interested in, did not have mutual feelings. I pursued them to develop feelings, perhaps, forcefully. I realized the pattern of this yet I continue to feel these attractions to those with emotional incapabilities. It felt like I only wanted things I couldn’t have. 

The next day, when alcohol was out of our systems, I talked to Eddy about the night before. 

“I realized I realized like you because I was so upset when I walked in the room and saw you in bed with someone else.”

Silence

“Eddy, are you looking for a relationship?” I was hoping for him to say yes.

“Basically…… not now.”

More silence. 

“I am an asshole.” Eddy couldn’t even make an eye contact with me, as he expressed guilty for hurting my feelings.

Is it possible that he purposely did what he did the night before to avoid telling me he does not like me? For some people, this might be an easier option than talking about uncomfortable feelings. 

Eddy’s friends witnessed the making out scene on the dance floor the night before and all of the were certain that Eddy and I were going to hook up. When they learned what happened, his friends were disappointed with Eddy for his behavior. All of them, who are supportive to Eddy, justified that Eddy tends to use avoidance when it comes to talking about feelings. 

I learned that some people are not equipped to have a same communication style as me. Though I was disappointed with what had occurred, it gave me a clear understanding of his position. Which reminds me that we are both tops. I didn’t necessarily liked the answer given it was not what I had hoped for, but it’s better than ambiguous explanation that could lead to a false hope. 

Eddy and I became close friends over the years and we still hangout once in a while.