If I ever lose my faith

About 3 years ago, I met Antonio on okcupid. He is from Brazil and was living in America for a year as part of his graduate school program. He is same age as me, tall, dark hair with beautiful green eyes. He also has sexy luscious lips that can dangerously melt you in pieces. We went out on several dates and each time, I found him sweet, romantic, and always treated me incredibly well.

I stayed over at his place several times, and I always felt so safe and secure around him. We would just cuddle, kiss, and talk all night and all morning. When he makes his bed in the morning, he would put his pajamas neatly folded under the pillow. I thought this was so cute.

I also admired his spirituality. Without being a total bible geek, he went to Catholic church every Sundays. Even though I was raised Catholic (was an alter boy when I was young), I don’t find going to church an important aspect of religious practice. Yes, it’s a sacred ground for people to worship higher power(s) as a community but I think what you do when you leave the church premise is more important. I value more on how I cultivate my belief system in my daily life. People often do not practice what they preach and I’m like “that’s NOT what Jesus would do!” I also think anti-gay Christian groups impacted my ability to keep my faith.

Antonio wore this necklace on him all the time:

It says “livrai-nos do mal” which is “deliver us from evil” in Portuguese. This resonated with me and I think Antonio truly lived this mantra and served as a positive influence. I am usually pessimistic from losing faith and constantly criticizing myself and others. Instead, he taught me how to be kind to myself and others. He delivered me from evil of negativity.

Unfortunately, he moved to San Francisco as next part of his graduate program, which resulted in a separation between us. We lost touch but his kindness touched me forever. I do my best to make my bed every morning and put away my sleepwear folded neatly. I also have to keep faith in the world full of negativity, just like a prayer. 

3 for 3

Did you read the story about a gay married couple in Canada who got divorced to add a third person in the relationship? (click here for the article) I believe the third one is gaysian. I read another article about a “trouple” men in Thailand who are actually all married to each other. (click here for that article)

About 3 years ago, I met Rob and Bill on Grindr. They are a gay couple, white, in their late 40’s, living in a beautiful 3 bedroom house with a dog. They invited me over to be their “guest.” I have never done a ménage à trois, but have always been curious. I was out drinking one night and went over to their place on my way home.

It was awkward at first, but I quickly became comfortable. They took turns to ensure I was receiving all the attention. In fact, they were not intimate with each other at all. Not even a kiss.

They probably have been together for many many years and I imagine sex became a bit  too familiar for them. I guess I was there to add a bit spice to their sex life. I admit I had fun and it appears they did too, because they kept inviting me over.

Second time I went over to their place, it was different. Rob was the only one who participated and Bill mostly watched us. Comparing the two, I was more interested in Bill than Rob so it wasn’t fun for me this time. The third time, they were more engaged in each other and I was pretty much the Asian meat in a white bread sandwich.

I then wondered how I would respond if my partner in a committed relationship wanted to have a third party to join.

First, how do you make three people to have equal partnership? It has be exactly 33.333333…% If you are on a bus that only has two seater section, who gets to sit together and who gets left out? The married-now-divorced couple sacrificed their marriage in order to have a fair and equal relationship status with the third partner. Even though they did this, the fact that they were married in the beginning and the third person joined afterward could make him already disadvantaged.

Second, having a sexual encounter outside of the relationship, even if the partner is present, seems rather too much to do. There were moments with Rob and Billy, I was trying to multitask with two people at the same time and it was not easy. I only have two hands and I like to concentrate my hands on just one person when I am having sex.

Third (to really tie in theme of this blog) reason I don’t think polygamy works is the challenges of fitting in the judgy society we live in. How do you go out to a romantic dinner with the three people without getting stared at. How do you bring both partners to work Christmas party?

Although, I am sure sharing life responsibilities amongst three people is a huge benefit. Can you imagine having triple income?

For me, I prefer one-on-one when it comes to a long term serious relationship. But I’d be open to being a special guest for a couple. Hey, I might even try with a guy+girl couple.

Come out and play

Today is National Coming Out Day. I have been out of closet since high school. First people I told was my family’s man-maids when I was in high school. See my first blog, It DOES get better about that story. Then I came out to my high school best friend. Shortly after that, he came out to me as well. See Bros befo’ hoes about that story.

Although I had a realization about my sexuality when I was a teenager, I still struggled to fully accept for some time as a young adult. Now, 20 years since admitting to myself that I am gay, I am happy to be a part of queer culture. And so many historical events occurred for gay community for the past 20 years. People are more accepting in general. But homophobia still lingers. Just ask Kim Davis.

This makes some people to still stay in closet. About a year ago, I met David on Tinder, which is probably a safe way for closeted guys to meet other guys. David who is in his early 40’s, who was once married, was just coming out of closet.  We chatted for several weeks and I asked him out for a lunch date. He is white, few inches shorter than me, bald, with an average build. He worked in a major financial firm and met me during his lunch break in his sexy business suit. He had a great smile and I was easily attracted to him.

For second date, we went to dinner and he invited me over to his beautiful loft after dinner. After a glass of wine, we started to make out on this couch then went up on the loft bed. It overlooked the city and the night sky was so sexy. 

David paused at one point and told me I was the first guy being intimate with. I was somewhat uncomfortable with this. It felt like a big pressure for me to be the first person he was going to lose his gay sex virginity to. We stopped and just cuddled to look out the window. But I was willing to take the relationship slow to see where it goes.

The following week, he was going to travel of out of country for few weeks, so I waited until he came back to call him. But David never called me back.

I felt rejected but I realized David and I are in very different places in life. He wasn’t comfortable with being in a gay scene. For me, surrounding myself with gays is not only comfortable but important. If David and I were together, he would have not been comfortable to go to gay bars or hang out with my gay friends.

Also, read Keep it in the closet about Zach, a married guy I used to hook up with. 

sticky situations

I can honestly say I never had sex with an Asian guy. That does not mean I am a total potato queen and exclusively date white guys. I have gone out on dates with essentially all races and many different ethnic backgrounds…. Brazilian, British, Columbian, Egyptian, French, Indian, Iranian, and Irish. Here are some of Asian guys I met.

I met Ted about 10 years ago through mutual friends. He is Thai, young, and petite. He asked me out on a date so we went to P.F. Chang, which is hardly authentic but food is so fucking good. But our date wasn’t. He was boring to talk to and he seemed very nervous. Date got worse when he sneezed and chunk of green snot sprayed of out of his nose and directly landed on his moo goo gai pan. I felt so embarrassed for him but I am sure he was more uncomfortable than I was. I never heard from him after that.

I met Vincent at the same bar I met Wes (see Living on the edge from 04.26.2015). I noticed this Asian guy kept following me everywhere, dance floor, patio, and bathroom. He finally came up to be at the bar and talked to me. He is Vietnamese, who was visiting from San Francisco. He was very attractive and I made out with him. He gave me his phone number but he must have been drunk because there were too many digits to his phone number he wrote down.

I met Nate last year. He is in his mid 20’s, Pacific Islander decent who grew up in New Zealand. He recently moved from New Zealand to start medical school. We went to a coffee shop and spent the entire time talking about his great life. It seemed so exaggerated and I didn’t feel he was genuine at all. His cockiness turned me off a bit. I also felt our 10 year difference in age made it difficult to relate.

I met Brian few months ago after chatting for few days on Grindr. He is about 5 years older than me. He was born and raised in Burma, but lived in Spain for most of his adult life, so to relive his second home country, we went to tapas restaurant. We had a great conversation about the world but I could not find any sexual attraction. He was traveling out of country the week after and I never heard from him.

We all have a very specific taste of who we are sexually attracted to. Some people are into tall guys, some people are into big burly bears, some people are into twinks, some people are into trans. Similar to sexual orientation itself, I think it is just in our nature to gravitate towards a certain physical attributes. Even though I find close connections with many gaysians, I have not yet found one I want to fuck.

Earlier this week, I was hanging out with a gaysian friend, Ben, at a gay bar. A random white guy next to us said to Ben “you’re cute for an Asian guy.” Ben was extremely offended and called him a racist. I was offended because the guy pretty much ignored me. 

Definition of a racist is a person who believes that a particular race is superior to another. It usually stems from a profound hatred or intolerance of different racial groups based on their belief system. I don’t think this guy next to us is necessarily a racist. He has a particular taste and Asian chicken salad was not his favorite meal. But does that make him a racist? What if I, as an Asian person, said “he’s cute for an Asian guy.” Would that make me a racist too?

The guy, however, is simply an idiot with a poor manner. He is generalizing that all Asian guys are not cute and there are only exceptions. There are cute guys and not so cute guys in all races. There are definitely AILF’s (Asian I Like to Fuck) out there. Click here for 21 Gorgeous Asian Men Guaranteed to Make You Thirsty.