Stranger Danger

Typically, main subject of my blogs are relationships and parallel process to my life. Today, I want to switch gears a little, but don’t worry, it will have a reference point of a sexual encounter.

This week for the first time in my life, I was a victim of a crime. When I came home from work, I realized my apartment was broken into. Few replaceable items were stolen, including my laptop. It was a good excuse to buy a new one (which I am using it now), but all the drafts of my gaysiandating stories to be posted were lost. This is another reason I had to blog about something else today.

Sex and the City fans! Remember the episode when Carrie’s laptop crashed and everyone kept asking her if she backed up. Well, I don’t do that.

They also went through underwear drawers.

Yes I post very personal and private stories on the world wide web for anyone to enter and read, but a complete stranger entering my home and taking them without consent is an epic violation.

Last time I felt violated was when I hooked up with a guy who possibly videotaped me unknowingly. When I was in college, I went to a divey gay bar, which the owner, Chris, had a special interest me. This was a bonus for me since I got free drinks all night. By the time the bar was closed, there were only the bartenders and the DJ at the place, with the music still blasting. Chris came up to dance with me and next thing I know, my shirt was off as he rubbed my body. My shirt always stays on in public unless I am at the beach or at the pool. I felt bit uncomfortable and vulnerable.

Chris took me to his place, which is an impressive house. Clearly, he was into Asian stuff, judging by entire collection of Asian antiques. It looked like he hoarded an entire section from Pier One Imports.

Fast forwarding to his bedroom (again lots of oriental furnitures) he started to give me a BJ. He paused for a minute, then went by the TV and I noticed a camera. I didn’t quite see what he did as I laid naked on his oriental bedding. But afterwards, I asked him if he recorded us and he denied.

I had so many mixed emotions about this. I enjoyed the fact that I hooked up with a gay bar owner, which lead to an irrational belief of power and status. I can blame my immaturity given I was about 20 at the time. At the same time, I also felt powerless and vulnerable. He might had a personal image of me in his possession without my knowledge.

After being burglarized, it also made me wonder about trusting anyone I meet for the first time. Although I like to believe that everyone is innocent until proven guilty, this experience increased my skepticism about people in general. My guard is definitely more up to secure myself.

How do we develop trust in people we date? They are practically strangers, yet we leave doors wide open for them to enter. We take risks for love until heart is stolen from us. Then we install alarm system to protect us.

BTW, the police officer who came to my apartment to file a report was HOT! I definitely will let him to my place anytime.

Bros befo’ Hoes 2

Several years ago for my friend, Taylor’s birthday, a bunch of our friends and I went to a gay club. This venue usually attracts college age group so being in my 30’s seemed out of place for me. But it was a blast dancing my ass off.

Taylor introduced me to a boy name Liam and I talked to him for a bit. Liam was in his mid 20’s, short brown hair, nerdy glasses, and hipster’ish look that is probably typical for his age group. He was adorable. We talked for a bit and after few drinks we were making out and grinding on the dance floor. I went over to his place that night. He lived in a college student neighborhood and lived with two straight roommates in 20’s, who looked like they work at Abercrombie & Fitch. They also just got back from a night of drinking. So we all ordered pizza and drank more beer.

Just to go off the subject for a second. When I was in college, I was obsessed with A&F models and collected their catalogues, which was essentially gay porn with guys in homoerotic poses. Also, my favorite show at the time of Melrose Place so I had a poster hung up in our room. My straight dorm roommate was confused why I had a poster of girls on the wall if I was gay so he went around the dorm room, saying ignorant comments to other people about this confusion. So I decided to hang up the nearly naked A&F male model posters up on the wall instead. I hope that cleared up his confusion.

Now back to the story  of Liam. Liam and I spent quite a time getting to know each other after that. Often we go out to straight bars with his roommates. We go back to his place, make out and hook up. I really felt like I was re-living college life. Later I learned that Taylor had interest in Liam. Also, Liam moved out of town but we kept in touch.

Shortly after that, several friends and I went on a road trip to the town Liam was living, so we met up with him at a bar.  Few hours later, I couldn’t find Liam and one of my friend, Frank, whom I was sharing the hotel room with. I walked into the room and there was Frank getting blown by Liam. I was embarrassed, shocked, and angry all at the same time. I slammed the door laughed at the situation but realized that I cannot sleep in that room. Luckily, other friends had a separate room so I slept in theirs. I lost touch with Liam after that.

Few weekends ago, Frank and same group of friends went on a same road trip to the town Liam lives in. I had forgotten about the whole situation with Frank and Liam. Then all the sudden, Liam came up, standing between us. I think we all laughed about it.

On bros befo’ hoes from 01.11.2015, I talked about how small the gay relationships are. It’s just like Melrose Place.

Sexual Chemistry 2

On 06.14.2015 (Sexual Chemistry), I blogged about Aaron, a chemistry teacher who had no sexual chemistry with me. Today, I am going to blog about a reversed situation.

Few years after I met Aaron, I dated Paul, who is about 5 years older than me, white, skinny-runner type body with dorky glasses that suits him well. Paul was probably the nicest guy I ever dated. I remember when I got sick, he came over to my place first thing in the morning before he went to work, just to drop off a bag of healing goodies. It contained a can of chicken soup, orange juice, magazines, and a teddy bear. I instantly felt better.

We also shared a common interest of musicals and I spent many nights cuddled up with him on couch, watching Glee.

However, having sex with Paul felt like a chore. I had to put a lot of effort to enjoy it and at times I didn’t want to do it. To kinky it up, I suggested we go see Kinky Boots, being musical fans we are. He immediately bought the tickets.

In the meantime, I thought we needed romantic get away trips to be more intimate. Coincidentally, his friend who lives out of town was getting married, so he invited me to be his date for the wedding. Typically, dates of wedding guests are long term relationship partners, so I believed our relationship elevated at this point. All of Paul’s friends embraced me in their group and I instantly gained a new circle of friends.

For some reason, I always cry at weddings. Also, it was my very first gay wedding so it was extra emotional for me. Love was definitely in the air, as I watched two guys hold hands smiling at each other front of their family and friends and an ocean view in the background on a sunny late summer day.

After the ceremony, many of the wedding guests went to a gay bar at night. I met these two cute guys and I was obviously flirting with them. Paul came up to us and introduced himself. My initial reaction was ‘what the fuck? You’re cock-blocking me!’ 

I definitely felt something special that day but it had nothing to do with Paul. I struggled because Paul has almost everything I wanted in a boyfriend: great personality, kindness, common interests, a successful career, an amazing house, and a fun group of friends. Then I realized that’s just what friendship is. I had no sexual chemistry with him and it took me 6 months, a gay wedding, and almost $200 Kinky Boots tickets to realize that.

About a week after the wedding, Paul was going to host a dinner party with few friends, but I decided to break up with him before that. He took it better than I had expected until I got an e-mail from him. I was expecting to be emotional one, instead he invoiced me.

Perhaps Paul was angry and hurt and this was the only way he could feel not be angry or hurt. As I write this blog, I also realized that Steve from last week’s blog (Fireworks) was me and Paul was Steve. 

When it comes to finding a boyfriend, is it possible to have both personality/life style connection and sexual chemistry? I often find myself meeting guys with one or the other. Or even I find both connections, the feelings are not mutual.

I see Paul around sometimes. When he sees me, he totally ignores me. However, his friends still adore me and always greets me unconditionally. I actually feel more sad about losing his friends more than the relationship with Paul.

Fireworks

About 3 years ago around the time of 4th of July, I met Steve from OkCupid. Steve, who is an Egyptian, is same age as me, short, hairy, with beautiful hazel eyes. He just moved to the city. I know being a newbie in town can be hard so I invited him to watch the July 4th fireworks with my friends. When we were watching the fireworks, he had his hand around my waist and it made me smile. To me, it meant, he was interested more than a friendship and I felt the fireworks in my heart.

 

Next few days, we tried to plan an unique date and we settled to dinner at a “surprise” location, which the only clue was “international.” He joked that I might need to bring a passport. He came over to my place to pick me up. When he came in, we did a little role play by pretending to be an international security officer at an airport and demanded to perform a pat-down search on me. He then pretended to get a condom and a lube out of my pocket.

“Sir, what is this for?”  He asked authoritatively.

“It’s for safety during a long flight.”

“It’s not allowed on the plane.” As he takes them.

“Then I guess it has be used now before I get on.”

We had sex and it was also fireworks. For dinner, he took me to a West African restaurant but didn’t need to have our passports with us to go there.

After dinner, he went home and we exchanges these text messages:

Few days after, he called me to tell me that he was attracted to me, but was is not feeling the romantic chemistry. He said he was confused about his interest in me with being new in town. “It’s like I am in the wilderness and I have no compass. I am new to town and I am just looking for friends.”

“Well I don’t like to strip search role play to have sex with my friends.”

“I am very sorry I screwed things up between us. But I hope time can heal. I do care about you. Again I very very sorry I caused you pain. That was not my intention”

How do I distinguish friendship affection and romantic affections? Is there a difference? I often greet my friends with a hug and occasionally kiss on the cheek. But certainly, I don’t have sex with my friends.If we met as friends and without sex/sexting, I wonder if we would have been able to be in a relationship? Maybe fireworks made it falsely exciting. 

Rejection is extremely difficult for me but I accepted his apology. Then about 6 months later we decided to meet for coffee. He came 30 minutes late. I think my emotions were never fully healed. I observed my heart being completely shut down and could not open up to him. Normally, I have a lot of patience but everything he said or did was irritating me.  It’s too bad, because he really does seem like a nice guy.