If I ever lose my faith again

Happy new year!

You might have noticed that I did not blog the entire year of 2020. My blog is about dating experiences, and I was at a point that I didn’t have any more stories to write. Being single can be challenging, especially when you’re the only single person in my social circle. 

On New Year Day of 2020, I went out to a bunch with my friends. I was the only person at the table without a partner. I complained about this throughout brunch, and jokingly (maybe half-jokingly), I expressed my deep sense of hate towards my friends about my single-hood. It was a hot topic during the brunch. But I felt better to start the new year with my friends who wanted just as much I wanted, maybe even more, to be in a relationship. Or it could have been the buzz from several mimosas. 

When we were about to cash out for the boozy brunch, the server went around the table to split up the bill per couple. When it was my turn to pay the bill, she asked, “Are you alone?” 

---

2020 started with this for me, and I think most can agree that 2020 was a strange year. Pandemic, racial injustice protests, the presidential election, and so many hurricanes that they ran out of names. 2020 was awful AF.

Maybe it was in the cards…. tarot cards. Towards the end of 2019, I went to a tarot card reader. The last time I had tarot cards read was on a date, and it did not go well. Read about that story here: Psychic vs. Psychologist. 

This time was no different. As I asked the tarot card the question of “how will I find joy again?” Wiley, the tarot card reader from South African with a beautiful accent, was a bit taken aback by my intense question. As he nervously shuffled the deck of tarot cards, he accidentally knocked my glass of wine on the table, shattering the glass and spilling the wine. He was completely distraught as he explained that shattered glass is bad luck. He quickly took out a whole new deck of tarot cards as he suggested we start over. 

The reading actually went well. The cards showed geese, swords, and multiple coins. He explained that geese indicate my past was good, and a sword represents conflict as it is used to split things. Coins represented good fortune or inner strengths. The message was to reflect positive childhood and inner strength, which will help me answer my question of how I can find joy again. This message was similar to my ayahuasca experience a few years ago. Read about that here: He has risen!

The Tarot card did not give me a gratifying answer to my question, but it did remind me to reflect on all the good things. 

The reason I didn’t blog all year in 2020 was, well…. I stopped dating. I stopped dating because I am in a relationship and married. Yes. Me. Married. This was a shock to many and even for myself. Just when I was losing faith in the world and hope of being in a relationship, I met someone amazing.  

It was early February. Tinder Match that progressed to something I cannot even describe. All the resentment I had towards the people who said to me, “it will happen when least expected,” now I understand this. 

I started this blog in 2015 to journal my dating experience as a single, gay, Asian, cig-gender male who is looking for an LTR. As you might have read, I had many, many dates, good and bad, but none that stuck to say “I do.” In some ways, I was comfortable with single life but mostly hopeless romantic.

The other way, I watched a Pixar film, Soul. Why do Pixar films, even though it’s animation, always bring up deep emotions. The film tells a story about an existential crisis. We have limited time on this earth, and often we spend so much time with anger, sorrow, disappointment, and resentment. It was another reminder to enjoy every moment that brings us joy. It echoed the messages I received during my ayahuasca ceremony and tarot card reading. 

Though 2020 was a terrible year, falling in love is what I will remember the most.

And here is to 2021. Much more to come!

Also read about Antonio, religious Brazilian guy I dated long time ago: If I ever lose my faith.

Happy birthday to Jesus!

I hope everyone had wonderful holidays. I think holidays can be sometimes more difficult than fun. I always have good intention to start Christmas shopping early then all the sudden it’s few weeks before Christmas and with rise in online shopping, packages are either delayed or stolen from the front porch. I know that it’s more about joy of giving, but it is more annoying to receive something I don’t need or want, as it take up space I already don’t have. Not to mention seeing families and relatives you don’t care for to avoid the discussions around politics. 

Regardless, happy birthday to Jesus!

I think I met a gay’ish Jesus earlier this year when I went to a music festival. It resembled smaller scale of the Burning Man, but without burning anything but instead, lots of glitter.  The diversity was beyond the stretch of possibilities and being a gay man seemed really boring as majority were sexually-fluid, gender-bending, non-binary, and queer with capital Q. 

I was dancing in my rainbow meggings and LED lit sneaks. Behind me was a cute guy with a Jesus-looking long brown hair, also wearing a pair of meggings with laser cat prints. He praised my outfit which led to innocent flirtations. Derek was in his late 20’s who worked at a wood shop so I guess just like Jesus, who was a carpenter. While I was chatting with him, he seemed nervous and awkward, though it is very possible that he was on drugs. But we carried on a conversation for a while but despite physical attractions, he was not as engaging as I wanted to. I might be bit judgmental at times, but Derek seemed like a comic-con type of guy who enjoys costume parties. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was into furries.

The time I was sexiled by my crush.

As human beings, we all want to be loved. While we search for loving connections, dating can be a roller coaster with the destination being the sense of belonging. We go on a while love roller coaster ride, hitting many ups an lows, thrills and fear, knowing there is an end to the ride. Though the seatbelt keeps us safe, often we experience heart aches. Some can’t wait to get on another roller coaster while someone are forever traumatized and will never get on any roller coasters again.

I experienced many disappointments along the way. When I start to develop feelings for someone and they don’t have the mutual feeling, I immediately perceive that as a rejection. But I am also an equal offender and have been the heart breaker. Read Sexual Chemistry 2 about Paul.

About 5 years ago, I matched with a guy named Eddy on Tinder. He same age as me with otter physique and beautiful eyes behind geeky glasses, all of which I am most attracted to.

Over the years, we hung out in large social settings, either hanging out his friends or vice versa. Few years ago, two circles of our friends joined when a small group of us from each circle went on a trip together.I decided to share a hotel room (and a bed) with Eddy. 

As we consume a large amount of alcohol consumption at the local gay club, as any gays would, I danced with Eddy in a fashion that will make everyone assume we will hook up. Of course we made out too. At one point between a pee break and getting more drinks at the bar, I couldn’t find Eddy. My first instinct was to look for him but I also wanted to just have fun with my friends too. Few hours went by, I gave up on search of Eddy and went back to the hotel. The last thing I expected was Eddy in “our” bed of the hotel room, having sex with someone. I am not sure if he realized I walked in the room but he didn’t stop. Maybe I had the option to join for a ménage à trois, but I was really bothered by this. I stormed out of the room, feeling rejected. I was sexiled by my crush and I was crushed. After being sexiled out of my own hotel room, I found a haven in my friend’s room to sleep for the night.

love is love

It’s pride month. People across the country and throughout the world are celebrating diversity by marching in parades, attending festivals, and participating advocacy events. Whether you are G, L, B, T, Q, or any other alphabet letters, rainbow is brighter when all colors come together.

Early this morning, a tragic shooting happened in Orlando, Florida. It has impacted me even more because it was in a gay night club. It reminded me of the Queer as Folk (US version) episode when there was a bombing at Babylon (poor Cyndi Lauper).

3 for 3

Did you read the story about a gay married couple in Canada who got divorced to add a third person in the relationship? (click here for the article) I believe the third one is gaysian. I read another article about a “trouple” men in Thailand who are actually all married to each other. (click here for that article)

About 3 years ago, I met Rob and Bill on Grindr. They are a gay couple, white, in their late 40’s, living in a beautiful 3 bedroom house with a dog. They invited me over to be their “guest.” I have never done a ménage à trois, but have always been curious. I was out drinking one night and went over to their place on my way home.

It was awkward at first, but I quickly became comfortable. They took turns to ensure I was receiving all the attention. In fact, they were not intimate with each other at all. Not even a kiss.

They probably have been together for many many years and I imagine sex became a bit  too familiar for them. I guess I was there to add a bit spice to their sex life. I admit I had fun and it appears they did too, because they kept inviting me over.

Second time I went over to their place, it was different. Rob was the only one who participated and Bill mostly watched us. Comparing the two, I was more interested in Bill than Rob so it wasn’t fun for me this time. The third time, they were more engaged in each other and I was pretty much the Asian meat in a white bread sandwich.

I then wondered how I would respond if my partner in a committed relationship wanted to have a third party to join.

First, how do you make three people to have equal partnership? It has be exactly 33.333333…% If you are on a bus that only has two seater section, who gets to sit together and who gets left out? The married-now-divorced couple sacrificed their marriage in order to have a fair and equal relationship status with the third partner. Even though they did this, the fact that they were married in the beginning and the third person joined afterward could make him already disadvantaged.

Second, having a sexual encounter outside of the relationship, even if the partner is present, seems rather too much to do. There were moments with Rob and Billy, I was trying to multitask with two people at the same time and it was not easy. I only have two hands and I like to concentrate my hands on just one person when I am having sex.

Third (to really tie in theme of this blog) reason I don’t think polygamy works is the challenges of fitting in the judgy society we live in. How do you go out to a romantic dinner with the three people without getting stared at. How do you bring both partners to work Christmas party?

Although, I am sure sharing life responsibilities amongst three people is a huge benefit. Can you imagine having triple income?

For me, I prefer one-on-one when it comes to a long term serious relationship. But I’d be open to being a special guest for a couple. Hey, I might even try with a guy+girl couple.