living on the edge

I met Wes at a bar and he’s probably one of few people I initiated flirt at a bar. As an introvert and someone who does not take risks, going up to a cute guy at a bar can be a nightmare, but  alcohol can make it easier.

This bar had an outdoor area, which was more open and relaxing instead of dark and loud music inside. He was talking to a friend of mine, which was a perfect opportunity for me to introduce myself while I have a safe conversation with my friend. As an ice breaker, I complimented his black leather jacket which was uber sexy on him but not in a leather daddy way.

He appeared cocky from his sarcastic humor but easy to talk to when I throw shade back at him. Wes was same age as me, white, auburn-ish hair, about 2 inches taller than me with a nice build.

I invited him over to my place and while I was driving, he demanded to give me a road job. I have never done this and I was terrified, not for the reason of getting caught, but to make sure I was driving carefully. I declined but definitely enjoyed it once we arrived at our place. He spent the night and in the morning, he gave me his phone number.

After few dates, I went over to his place. He lived in a tiny studio with mauve carpet that looked like a scene of a 70’s porn video. He also had a tarantula spider as a pet.. clearly has no fear and takes risks. 

After showing me around his apartment, he became sexually aggressive. Again, he became very verbal and while it can be hot watching it on porn, it was somewhat intimidating to me. As much as I had found him incredibly attractive, I was uncomfortable with this, but I think that made him even more persistent and I persistently declined. We stopped talking after that.

Few years later, I ran into him on the street. I asked if he wanted to grab a drink but he apparently developed a drinking problem and has been working on his sobriety for almost a year. He then invited me over to his new apartment, which was not 70’s porn scene. He definitely upgraded to modern decor and that made me so turned on. I made efforts to give him a BJ but he declined. He said he wanted to be a good boy. Does that mean I am a bad boy?

keep it in the closet

I saw a movie called The Imitation Game. It is based on a true story about Alan Turing, a British computer scientist who essentially pioneered internet over 70 years ago during World Wart II. Without Alan Turing, AOL, gay.com, Manhunt, Grindr, Skruff, Jack’d, or Tinder would have been in my life.

Alan Turning was known to be a homosexual and as you can imagine, this was not a hot thing 70 years ago. He was engaged to be married to a woman to mask his real life in society and this practice still exists now.

I hooked up with Zach few times. Zach was in his late 40’s, white, blond-grayish hair, blue eyes, with a nice built body. He was married…  to a women, but enjoyed sex with guys sometimes. It was soooo Brokeback Mountain, minus the cowboy camping sex. But, sex with Zach, who really enjoyed being a bottom, was just as hot and I particularly remember one session when he pinned me against the wall from behind to kiss my neck and I was so turned on from this.

But it was not a turn on, when I ran into him WITH his wife in the street. It’s always awkward to see your fuck buddies outside of bedroom fully clothed, but to see them with the person they are in a relationship with is even more awkward.

Zach and I didn’t end up falling in love like Jack and Ennis, but I certainly helped him to fulfill his gay sex desires. Maybe his wife is also gay and has sex with women on the side. 

sex, drugs rock & roll vs. peace, love & harmony

I met Rick about 15 years ago. I was in college at the time and he was a professor in the criminology department of the same university. Rick is a white guy, in his late 30’s with a stocky-built and a goatee that made him age a little. He was just coming out of the closet and I was one of his first guys to be with. He had a kind personality and very much into sweet romantic gestures.

We dated for few months and I remember the time I stayed over at his gigantic 3 bedroom house for the weekend. In the morning, we were brushing our teeth in the bathroom in our tighy-whities. I saw of us in mirror and found it oddly sexy.

For my birthday, he gave me a book called “Many Lives, Many Masters” by Brian L Weiss, MD. Inside the book, he wrote: I hope you enjoy this book as much as I did. Remember, be the master of your life. Happy birthday! love, Rick. I really enjoyed this book and found this quote profound. It reads:

“Balance and harmony are neglected today, yet they are the foundations of wisdom. Everything is done to excess. People are overweight because they eat excessively. Joggers neglected aspects of themselves and others because they run excessively. People seem excusably mean. They drink too much, smoke too much, carouse too much (or too little), talk too much without content, worry too much. There is too much black-or-white thinking. All or none. This is not the way of nature…… Humankind has not learned about balance, let alone practiced it. It is guided by greed and ambition, steered by fear. In this way it will eventually destroy itself. But nature will survive; at least the plants will.”

I find myself torn when I need to find balance and harmony, yet feel pressured by queer culture to be ambitious and face fears constantly. Gays have to be extremely ambitious to succeed because we fear being failures in society. We must defend marriage equality, stand-up against homophobia, and ACT UP, FIGHT AIDS!

Because LGBTQ people are so oppressed in society, the only way to balance that is to be excessive. Perhaps, it’s a yin & yang, which oppositions create harmony.

Another aspect of gay culture I feel conflicted by is greed. Of course I like to party-hardy sometimes, but alcohol and substance use can be excessive in gay culture to the point to abuse. I have seen way too many friends destroy their lives after becoming acquainted with Tina.

To celebrate freedom, pride festival is sometimes borderline live porn scenes. Open relationships among gay men are becoming more of a norm, which they have boyfriends and get to have sexual encounters outside of the relationship.

Yes, I do enjoy no strings attached sex occasionally (sometimes even with guys who are in open relationships) but for me, it has be good, safe, and with a right person. I think that’s called making love, right? I realized I am a minority in gay culture when it comes to wanting romance over sex and I feel like I am the only one who has never been to a bath house.

It was particularly evident when my doctor (at a LGBT health center) said I don’t need to be screened for STD’s or HIV when he reviewed risk behavior questions, as he compared to my gay peer group. Regardless, I get tested yearly.

As a criminology professor, I am sure Rick certainly fought many crimes and did not abuse alcohol or drugs. When I was dating Rick, he wanted to be in a monogamous intimate relationship. However, at that time, I was more consumed by what gay culture told me to want: sex, drugs, and rock & roll. Now I want peace, love & harmony.

I lost touch with Rick about 10 years ago and last thing I heard was he was in a committed relationship.

On my Own

About 3 years ago, I chatted with a really nice guy, Bryan, on Grindr. He was one year younger than me, white, same height as me, a “decent athlete” body with a beautiful smile and beautiful eyes. He was a Ph.D. student studying forensic anthropology. He is soooo that Fox show called, Bones and I fantasized of him as an FBI agent.

Bryan and I chatted for few days then lost touch when he went out of town for forensic investigation. Exactly a year later, I chatted with Bryan again but this time on OkCupid, completely forgetting that we chatted on Grindr a year before. I gave him my phone number and when he texted me, his name showed up on my contact list. Apparently, we also exchanged phone numbers a year ago. We went out on many dates….. Coffee date, drinks date, dinner date, and art gallery. We also went out on a movie date to see Les
Misérables. While we were walking out of the movie theater, he grabbed me and kissed me in the middle of the street. It felt like a scene from a romantic movie and snow made it even more romantic. He stayed over at my place and sex was amazing. All of his knowledge of bones made it extra special. In the morning, we throughly investigated our boners.

Just as I was beginning to feel hopeful that I found THE one, he became silent and the momentum ceased. Usually this is when I get irrational and become a high school girl with a crush. To help me think rationally, I had a whine-over-wine session with my friend, Sam. I was telling Sam how I had a suspicious idea that Bryan was seeing someone else. It felt even more pressured because it was right before Valentine’s Day and I had high hopes to do something special for him. But, I felt like I loved him only on my own.

Sam thought I was being paranoid and reassured me that Bryan will call me soon. Right at that moment, while I was sipping my whiny-wine, not believing Sam’s positive outlook, this happened on my phone:

I showed Sam the text messages with a “I told you so” look on my face. On my way home, I bought a pack of cigarettes and another bottle of wine to suppress my emotions.

This past Friday night, I went to a club and saw Bryan there. He was making out with a guy on the dance floor and all the sudden I was in the corner, watching him kiss him, ohhhhh. I was dancing on my own.

Although it has been 2 years, this brought back all the emotions I experienced with Bryan. This time, I did not buy cigarettes and a bottle of whiny-wine. I have to accept that there are people I was rejected by and just as many people I rejected. Somehow these experiences will help me learn more about my ideal relationship. Everyday, I am learning.