size queen

sizequeenIn queer culture, size matters. Gym bunny jocks have to be muscular, twinks have to be bony thin, and bear daddies have to be burly big. Penis size is also highly emphasized for gay sex. For me, it has not been a deal breaker until I met Sam, who has a baseball bat.

I met Sam while we were in college. He was one year older, white, average build and kinda cute. He was not a gym bunny, a twink, nor a bear daddy, just an average gay. We were in same major so we had a chance to hang out often. I think his silly sense of humor that made me LOL was most attractive to me. I called him silly queen for that reason.

One night he had few people over at his place. He was a total stoner so I decided to get high with him. His silliness made me go from LOL to LMAO ROTF to the point of tears. While he was showing his CD collections in his bedroom, we kissed. I was so high and our make out session seemed like it was forever. I passed out on his couch after eating a whole bag of cheese-puffs. cheeseballsThen in the morning I went into his bedroom and we spooned. He was very affectionate and passionate. Once he revealed himself, I was in shock. His penis was so big, I could not physiologically do anything with it other than a hand job. He said he always has to be a bottom because no one has been able to handle it. So I topped him.

Sam and I repeated our get stoned, eat cheese-puffs, and have sex routine several times until he got a boyfriend. Perhaps a boyfriend who was a power bottom.


So… yes, size does matter to me.

St. Valentine vs. Buddha

I used to go to this Thai buddhist temple and it wasn’t for spiritual practice reasons. Every Sundays, they served Thai food to raise money for the temple. I even joked and called it the “Thai restaurant.” One day after eating at the “Thai restaurant,” I received a message from a stranger on No one uses that anymore, but it was the hottest trend between Friendster and Facebook eras.

Ron sent me a message saying “it’s a long shot, but were you at the buddhist temple yesterday?” He apparently saw me there and I guess stalked me, just like any normal person would do an extensive google search when you meet a hot guy. We decided to meet in person.

Ron is same age as mine, white, about same height, slightly pudgy, and hair long enough have a man-bun. I think a guy with pony tail in a man-bun is so gross.

He had such a passion for Eastern traditions and identified himself as a buddhist. He valued living a simple life and devalued materialism, which clashed with queer culture of having the newest iPhones and designer jeans that cost as much as rent. With his enthusiastic taste of east, I suggested that we try every Asian restaurants as our date venues. We had Sushi, Chinese dim sum, Korean, Vietnamese, Cambodian, Malaysian, Indian and Thai (not at THE “Thai restaurant.”)

I usually confuse friendship interest with romantic relationship interest so I had to carefully examine my interest in Ron. I did have strong feelings for him, which immediately turns into fear of rejection paralyzing my efforts to take it further. Ron wanted to be in a relation but I was not ready.

Few months went by and I took him to a gay bar. During the time of my ambivalence, he cut his hair and lost weight. Suddenly, I was very very attracted to him and I could not hold back my feelings any longer. Whether it was booze or being around horny gay boys, I cornered Ron against a wall and started to make out with him. This elevated our relationship to sleep-overs. He lived in a tiny garage-turned-into-an-apartment by the beach. Again, very simple lifestyle, which is very different from my life of living in a luxurious downtown apartment. Although we had such a different lifestyles, I began to appreciate him more and more. Plus, it was just so nice to cuddle at night.

It was Valentine’s Day and he took me to a paint-your-own pottery glazing studio, where I always wanted to do. He then bought me an orchid plant for the pottery I painted. I thought ‘this is the best Valentine’s date ever!’ I was proud of myself to let go of my irrational fears and enjoy the possibility of not being rejected.

dont-be-a-cunt-buddha-quoteThere is a time every relationships will experience first disagreement and we were no different. Ron really wanted to go to a strawberry festival where they have rides, fried foods, and lots of screaming children. This is not an appeal for me at all, but Ron insisted that we go together. I continued to refuse and he became upset. He said the strawberry festival is very important to him. He also lectured about importance of  compromise in a relationship. He gave me an example of how he had no interest in going to the gay bar, where we first kissed, but he went anyways as a compromise. I still didn’t go to the strawberry festival.

Few weeks after that I was seeking his support from a dilemma. I had an amazing job offer but conflicted to accept because there would be a salary decrease. I expected him to be supportive, but Ron judged me. He thought I was being shallow because money was the decision making factor to take a great job opportunity.

After these two incidents, I noticed our phone calls shorter and less frequent than usual. When I confronted him about it, his response was “that’s an accurate observation” then he broke up with me.

I did end up taking a that job offer and the very first project at my new job was a program contract with Ron. Awkward!!! During the project planning, we maintained our professionalism and I tried not to bitch slap him. We maintained friendship and Ron told me about a new guy he was seeing. It turns out they were hanging out around the time of the festival.

We kept in touch for many years as friends. One day, I talked to Ron about an interesting experience when a hot guy who was in a long distance relationship flirted with me then invited me over to his place. Although we didn’t have sex or even kissed, something about cuddling with a guy who has a boyfriend made me feel weird. Ron had his strong opinions about my behavior. Ron said that that’s considered as cheating and I was “the other guy.” Then I confronted him about when we dated and how he was seeing another person at the same time. He then corrected me that we were never in a relationship.

Ron and I had very different value systems. Although it validated my irrational fears of rejection, I did enjoy the few months of bliss with Ron. I am not a buddhist, but I appreciate concepts of selfless gestures, non-materialism, and non-harm to others. I just didn’t appreciate Ron being so judgy.

Buddha-kept-it-real-300x300I told my friend about Ron’s importance of strawberry festival and my friend started labeling seriousness with strawberry-festival-important. “Stretch after running. It’s strawberry festival important!”

psychic vs psychologist

During Pre-Grindr era in 2000’s, AOL chat rooms were great way to meet gay men. I was a frequent roommie in GWM4GAM rooms. I chatted with guys through Instant Messages and certainly met many of them in person.


One night about 10 years ago, I was at a gay club. Between the darkness, flashing dancing floor lights, and few drinks, it was difficult to judge the guys around me. I spotted one guy and started to dance with him. He was about my height, soft build, thin dark hair with blond highlights, big brown eyes and a big smile – the kind of smile that covers the entire face with lots of teeth.

To converse over the thumpa-thumpa blasting music, we had to scream at each others’ ears. He was a 29 year old (I was 25 at the time) high school teacher. Once he told me his name, I quickly realized we have been chatting on AOL for several years. It was a pleasant surprise and I thought to myself, ‘this was meant to be.’

Meeting a boy at a bar and taking them home for sex is not my practice at all. But, I felt compelled to do this. Besides, he’s not a complete stranger since we have known each other virtually for several years. Sex was disappointing, but he was a great kisser.

The weekend after that, we out on a date and when he picked me up, he brought me sunflowers. It was sweetest thing ever! He was an aspiring chef, who taught culinary art at a high school. He was that “cool teacher” type. We talked about food mostly, particularly his passion for cooking and my passion for eating good meals. Again, it was meant to be!

On our second date, he baked me the most delicious strawberry cheesecake. Then he had a surprise for me. He took me to a gay psychic. I have never done this so I was very eager to find out about my future. As the psychic laid out the tarot cards, he looked straight at me and said “You guys are not compatible lovers but good as friends.”

He said it with an intense gay lisp that kinda makes you chuckle a bit. I was not too disturbed with the psychic’s read. I was more curious about my personal future. The psychic also told me that I should be a psychologist – which was my major in college.

That night when he was trying to be affectionate, I turned him down. I don’t really believe in psychic powers, but I realized that we had no sexual chemistry. It took a psychic (or felt like a psychologist) to help me realize that all the “it was meant to be” thoughts were for our friendship. We broke up and lost touch.

It’s been well over 10 years and I decided to google him yesterday. I was shocked to learn that he died from cancer about 4 years after we dated. He was 32 at the time. I regret that I also gave up on our friendship and wish I can go back to do over. I want to go back to that psychic and asked if he had vision of this back then.


love for football

I fit in the gay stereotype of not caring about football other than the half-time show and jockstraps. Last time, I got excited on a Super Bowl day was when I met a hot guy for a date many years ago. Lee was in his late 30’s, little bit shorter than me, but has a good build. He is from Dublin and spoke intimately about his Irish culture. His accent was incredibly charming and I think hearts were floating out of my head during the entire dinner date. 

After dinner, he took me to his place and we had sex while rest of the country was watching football. He was a soccer player and had sexy strong legs. We certainly had our own football game in the bedroom and hotter than the Super Bowl


We never had a follow up date, which has been a typical experience for me after hooking up on a first date. I did see him few times at a bar and had superficial chit-chats.