If I ever lose my faith again

Happy new year!

You might have noticed that I did not blog the entire year of 2020. My blog is about dating experiences, and I was at a point that I didn’t have any more stories to write. Being single can be challenging, especially when you’re the only single person in my social circle. 

On New Year Day of 2020, I went out to a bunch with my friends. I was the only person at the table without a partner. I complained about this throughout brunch, and jokingly (maybe half-jokingly), I expressed my deep sense of hate towards my friends about my single-hood. It was a hot topic during the brunch. But I felt better to start the new year with my friends who wanted just as much I wanted, maybe even more, to be in a relationship. Or it could have been the buzz from several mimosas. 

When we were about to cash out for the boozy brunch, the server went around the table to split up the bill per couple. When it was my turn to pay the bill, she asked, “Are you alone?” 

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2020 started with this for me, and I think most can agree that 2020 was a strange year. Pandemic, racial injustice protests, the presidential election, and so many hurricanes that they ran out of names. 2020 was awful AF.

Maybe it was in the cards…. tarot cards. Towards the end of 2019, I went to a tarot card reader. The last time I had tarot cards read was on a date, and it did not go well. Read about that story here: Psychic vs. Psychologist. 

This time was no different. As I asked the tarot card the question of “how will I find joy again?” Wiley, the tarot card reader from South African with a beautiful accent, was a bit taken aback by my intense question. As he nervously shuffled the deck of tarot cards, he accidentally knocked my glass of wine on the table, shattering the glass and spilling the wine. He was completely distraught as he explained that shattered glass is bad luck. He quickly took out a whole new deck of tarot cards as he suggested we start over. 

The reading actually went well. The cards showed geese, swords, and multiple coins. He explained that geese indicate my past was good, and a sword represents conflict as it is used to split things. Coins represented good fortune or inner strengths. The message was to reflect positive childhood and inner strength, which will help me answer my question of how I can find joy again. This message was similar to my ayahuasca experience a few years ago. Read about that here: He has risen!

The Tarot card did not give me a gratifying answer to my question, but it did remind me to reflect on all the good things. 

The reason I didn’t blog all year in 2020 was, well…. I stopped dating. I stopped dating because I am in a relationship and married. Yes. Me. Married. This was a shock to many and even for myself. Just when I was losing faith in the world and hope of being in a relationship, I met someone amazing.  

It was early February. Tinder Match that progressed to something I cannot even describe. All the resentment I had towards the people who said to me, “it will happen when least expected,” now I understand this. 

I started this blog in 2015 to journal my dating experience as a single, gay, Asian, cig-gender male who is looking for an LTR. As you might have read, I had many, many dates, good and bad, but none that stuck to say “I do.” In some ways, I was comfortable with single life but mostly hopeless romantic.

The other way, I watched a Pixar film, Soul. Why do Pixar films, even though it’s animation, always bring up deep emotions. The film tells a story about an existential crisis. We have limited time on this earth, and often we spend so much time with anger, sorrow, disappointment, and resentment. It was another reminder to enjoy every moment that brings us joy. It echoed the messages I received during my ayahuasca ceremony and tarot card reading. 

Though 2020 was a terrible year, falling in love is what I will remember the most.

And here is to 2021. Much more to come!

Also read about Antonio, religious Brazilian guy I dated long time ago: If I ever lose my faith.

If I ever lose my faith

About 3 years ago, I met Antonio on okcupid. He is from Brazil and was living in America for a year as part of his graduate school program. He is same age as me, tall, dark hair with beautiful green eyes. He also has sexy luscious lips that can dangerously melt you in pieces. We went out on several dates and each time, I found him sweet, romantic, and always treated me incredibly well.

I stayed over at his place several times, and I always felt so safe and secure around him. We would just cuddle, kiss, and talk all night and all morning. When he makes his bed in the morning, he would put his pajamas neatly folded under the pillow. I thought this was so cute.

I also admired his spirituality. Without being a total bible geek, he went to Catholic church every Sundays. Even though I was raised Catholic (was an alter boy when I was young), I don’t find going to church an important aspect of religious practice. Yes, it’s a sacred ground for people to worship higher power(s) as a community but I think what you do when you leave the church premise is more important. I value more on how I cultivate my belief system in my daily life. People often do not practice what they preach and I’m like “that’s NOT what Jesus would do!” I also think anti-gay Christian groups impacted my ability to keep my faith.

Antonio wore this necklace on him all the time:

It says “livrai-nos do mal” which is “deliver us from evil” in Portuguese. This resonated with me and I think Antonio truly lived this mantra and served as a positive influence. I am usually pessimistic from losing faith and constantly criticizing myself and others. Instead, he taught me how to be kind to myself and others. He delivered me from evil of negativity.

Unfortunately, he moved to San Francisco as next part of his graduate program, which resulted in a separation between us. We lost touch but his kindness touched me forever. I do my best to make my bed every morning and put away my sleepwear folded neatly. I also have to keep faith in the world full of negativity, just like a prayer.