If I ever lose my faith

About 3 years ago, I met Antonio on okcupid. He is from Brazil and was living in America for a year as part of his graduate school program. He is same age as me, tall, dark hair with beautiful green eyes. He also has sexy luscious lips that can dangerously melt you in pieces. We went out on several dates and each time, I found him sweet, romantic, and always treated me incredibly well.

I stayed over at his place several times, and I always felt so safe and secure around him. We would just cuddle, kiss, and talk all night and all morning. When he makes his bed in the morning, he would put his pajamas neatly folded under the pillow. I thought this was so cute.

I also admired his spirituality. Without being a total bible geek, he went to Catholic church every Sundays. Even though I was raised Catholic (was an alter boy when I was young), I don’t find going to church an important aspect of religious practice. Yes, it’s a sacred ground for people to worship higher power(s) as a community but I think what you do when you leave the church premise is more important. I value more on how I cultivate my belief system in my daily life. People often do not practice what they preach and I’m like “that’s NOT what Jesus would do!” I also think anti-gay Christian groups impacted my ability to keep my faith.

Antonio wore this necklace on him all the time:

It says “livrai-nos do mal” which is “deliver us from evil” in Portuguese. This resonated with me and I think Antonio truly lived this mantra and served as a positive influence. I am usually pessimistic from losing faith and constantly criticizing myself and others. Instead, he taught me how to be kind to myself and others. He delivered me from evil of negativity.

Unfortunately, he moved to San Francisco as next part of his graduate program, which resulted in a separation between us. We lost touch but his kindness touched me forever. I do my best to make my bed every morning and put away my sleepwear folded neatly. I also have to keep faith in the world full of negativity, just like a prayer.