love is love

It’s pride month. People across the country and throughout the world are celebrating diversity by marching in parades, attending festivals, and participating advocacy events. Whether you are G, L, B, T, Q, or any other alphabet letters, rainbow is brighter when all colors come together.

Early this morning, a tragic shooting happened in Orlando, Florida. It has impacted me even more because it was in a gay night club. It reminded me of the Queer as Folk (US version) episode when there was a bombing at Babylon (poor Cyndi Lauper).

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sex, drugs rock & roll vs. peace, love & harmony

I met Rick about 15 years ago. I was in college at the time and he was a professor in the criminology department of the same university. Rick is a white guy, in his late 30’s with a stocky-built and a goatee that made him age a little. He was just coming out of the closet and I was one of his first guys to be with. He had a kind personality and very much into sweet romantic gestures.

We dated for few months and I remember the time I stayed over at his gigantic 3 bedroom house for the weekend. In the morning, we were brushing our teeth in the bathroom in our tighy-whities. I saw of us in mirror and found it oddly sexy.

Neil Patrick Harris

For my birthday, he gave me a book called “Many Lives, Many Masters” by Brian L Weiss, MD. Inside the book, he wrote: I hope you enjoy this book as much as I did. Remember, be the master of your life. Happy birthday! love, Rick. I really enjoyed this book and found this quote profound. It reads:

“Balance and harmony are neglected today, yet they are the foundations of wisdom. Everything is done to excess. People are overweight because they eat excessively. Joggers neglected aspects of themselves and others because they run excessively. People seem excusably mean. They drink too much, smoke too much, carouse too much (or too little), talk too much without content, worry too much. There is too much black-or-white thinking. All or none. This is not the way of nature…… Humankind has not learned about balance, let alone practiced it. It is guided by greed and ambition, steered by fear. In this way it will eventually destroy itself. But nature will survive; at least the plants will.”

I find myself torn when I need to find balance and harmony, yet feel pressured by queer culture to be ambitious and face fears constantly. Gays have to be extremely ambitious to succeed because we fear being failures in society. We must defend marriage equality, stand-up against homophobia, and ACT UP, FIGHT AIDS!

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Because LGBTQ people are so oppressed in society, the only way to balance that is to be excessive. Perhaps, it’s a yin & yang, which oppositions create harmony.

Another aspect of gay culture I feel conflicted by is greed. Of course I like to party-hardy sometimes, but alcohol and substance use can be excessive in gay culture to the point to abuse. I have seen way too many friends destroy their lives after becoming acquainted with Tina.

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To celebrate freedom, pride festival is sometimes borderline live porn scenesOpen relationships among gay men are becoming more of a norm, which they have boyfriends and get to have sexual encounters outside of the relationship.

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Yes, I do enjoy no strings attached sex occasionally (sometimes even with guys who are in open relationships) but for me, it has be good, safe, and with a right person. I think that’s called making love, right? I realized I am a minority in gay culture when it comes to wanting romance over sex and I feel like I am the only one who has never been to a bath house.

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It was particularly evident when my doctor (at a LGBT health center) said I don’t need to be screened for STD’s or HIV when he reviewed risk behavior questions, as he compared to my gay peer group. Regardless, I get tested yearly.

As a criminology professor, I am sure Rick certainly fought many crimes and did not abuse alcohol or drugs. When I was dating Rick, he wanted to be in a monogamous intimate relationship. However, at that time, I was more consumed by what gay culture told me to want: sex, drugs, and rock & roll. Now I want peace, love & harmony.

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I lost touch with Rick about 10 years ago and last thing I heard was he was in a committed relationship.

Fumbling towards ecstasy

About 15 years ago, I connected with Chris on AOL GAM4GWM chat room. He is originally from my hometown but was living in Japan at the time. We shared very similar music tastes and somewhat obsessed with BT and Tori Amos. We chatted online for a year, mostly about BT and Tori Amos. And when he moved back to US, we decided to meet in person.

He is white, same as as me, about 6’4, a twink-ish figure with trendy clothes that Japanese hipsters wear. We went to a rave one night and took ecstasy. They say ecstasy enhances all your senses and we were definitely sensual on the dance floor, especially when the DJ played Blue Skies by Tori Amos remixed by BT.

When we got back to his place, we went out to his backyard and laid on a hammock, watching the night sky. It was blue sky but the mood shined and the stars twinkled magically. I kept humming the Tori Amos’s song…. “blue skies are over my head, I said. Let’s go to this magic wonder show.” It was beyond ecstasy – maybe even spiritual.

 Few months after that, he moved to Japan to live with his new boyfriend who was already there. I was very disappointed with this and somewhat heart broken. We kept in touch and few years later, he came back to US and we reconnected. We went to Tori Amos show together. But we lost touch again after that.

Although we are thousands miles apart, every time I see stars at night, I know he is
looking at the same stars where ever he is at.

Kiss me I’m Irish

While most Americans have no idea who St. Patrick is (and I don’t either), Americans celebrate this Irish holiday by wearing green, drinking lots of green beer, and sending emojicon messages of clovers to everyone.

When I went to Savannah, Georgia last year, I was quite shocked to find out they have one of the biggest St. Patrick’s Day celebration in America.

I am going to celebrate it by recalling all the Irish guy I dated. My 02.02.2015 entry called Love For Football also talks about an Irish guy I dated. 

One guy I met worked in a corporate office of a large retail company. He is in his late 30’s, medium build, and slightly taller than me. We met for coffee and had a casual to boring conversations. Then we went out dancing. He had wild moves. When I say wild I meant like a crazy lunatic who was bumping into everyone on the dance floor. I was terrified and he made me spill my drinks few times. I rejected him after that.

wilddance

Another Irish guy I dated was, Bruce, an older gay who was incredibly good looking. I met Bruce through a friend, Cole, and we started to spend time together at a bar, usually talking about very intimate life experiences. He was very sensitive. He was formerly a model and still maintained an amazing physique and handsomeness while in 40’s. Although he expressed interest in dating, he rejected my offer and I was disappointed.

We still kept our friendship. One day, Bruce was telling me about a guy he was rejected by, throwing a pity party saying he gets rejected all the time. I asked him (referencing to my rejection) – “but I am sure you rejected some guys too.” He said no and I quickly pointed myself to remind him. He laughed embarrassingly.

quiero el romance

About 5 years ago, I was on match.com to find a perfect match. On these profiles, people only describe best qualities and post best photos of themselves. This often may not be 100% accurate to their true self which I end up finding out in person. But, it is the only way to make an impression to get noticed. I, of course, had a description of myself in the utmost positive ways and posted pictures I looked good in, which includes a photo of me skydiving.

I received a message from Santiago, a Mexican-American who was same age as me. His profile described himself as a fun, loving, studious, and spiritual guy. Other qualities include generosity, kindness, light heartedness and a healthy lifestyle. And he was looking to meet guys for friendships and potentially dating.

winner

His message to me said: “I liked your profile. Neat skydiving pic! There is something about the idea of jumping out of an airplane that really appeals to me. I once went zip lining from top of a tall tree in Mexico and it was amazing. Anything that challenges my fear is appealing.”

When it comes to meeting someone online, I always meet for coffee or drinks for the first date. You don’t want to be stuck with a terrible date throughout the entire meal. Also, if coffee/cocktail date goes well, you have the option to go to a different place afterwards or have a follow up date. Also, for a second date, lunch or brunch is a safe option. It’s a shorter meal than dinner and can give you an easy escape option. Santiago and I met for coffee.

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He was tall, wore a pair of nerdy-sheik glasses that were so sexy on him.  He had a pale skin tone, appearing more white than Mexican. His Spanish accent was stronger than my coffee, which I find muy caliente!

mucho caliente

We had a great conversation and I suggested ice cream after coffee. While we were walking around to enjoying our ice cream cone, a heavy down pour rain storm came suddenly. We had no umbrella so we ran, seeking shelter. And by the time we got into a building, we were both drenched and our ice creams were completely ruined. I found it somewhat romantic but he seemed very displease. He ended our date abruptly.

For someone who finds an appeal from challenging fear, a little bit of getting soaked from summer rain should not be a major issue. Maybe he was upset that he didn’t get to finish his ice cream.

I never heard back from him after that.

size queen

sizequeenIn queer culture, size matters. Gym bunny jocks have to be muscular, twinks have to be bony thin, and bear daddies have to be burly big. Penis size is also highly emphasized for gay sex. For me, it has not been a deal breaker until I met Sam, who has a baseball bat.

I met Sam while we were in college. He was one year older, white, average build and kinda cute. He was not a gym bunny, a twink, nor a bear daddy, just an average gay. We were in same major so we had a chance to hang out often. I think his silly sense of humor that made me LOL was most attractive to me. I called him silly queen for that reason.

One night he had few people over at his place. He was a total stoner so I decided to get high with him. His silliness made me go from LOL to LMAO ROTF to the point of tears. While he was showing his CD collections in his bedroom, we kissed. I was so high and our make out session seemed like it was forever. I passed out on his couch after eating a whole bag of cheese-puffs. cheeseballsThen in the morning I went into his bedroom and we spooned. He was very affectionate and passionate. Once he revealed himself, I was in shock. His penis was so big, I could not physiologically do anything with it other than a hand job. He said he always has to be a bottom because no one has been able to handle it. So I topped him.

Sam and I repeated our get stoned, eat cheese-puffs, and have sex routine several times until he got a boyfriend. Perhaps a boyfriend who was a power bottom.

bottom

So… yes, size does matter to me.

psychic vs psychologist

During Pre-Grindr era in 2000’s, AOL chat rooms were great way to meet gay men. I was a frequent roommie in GWM4GAM rooms. I chatted with guys through Instant Messages and certainly met many of them in person.

BhybRWE

One night about 10 years ago, I was at a gay club. Between the darkness, flashing dancing floor lights, and few drinks, it was difficult to judge the guys around me. I spotted one guy and started to dance with him. He was about my height, soft build, thin dark hair with blond highlights, big brown eyes and a big smile – the kind of smile that covers the entire face with lots of teeth.

To converse over the thumpa-thumpa blasting music, we had to scream at each others’ ears. He was a 29 year old (I was 25 at the time) high school teacher. Once he told me his name, I quickly realized we have been chatting on AOL for several years. It was a pleasant surprise and I thought to myself, ‘this was meant to be.’

Meeting a boy at a bar and taking them home for sex is not my practice at all. But, I felt compelled to do this. Besides, he’s not a complete stranger since we have known each other virtually for several years. Sex was disappointing, but he was a great kisser.

The weekend after that, we out on a date and when he picked me up, he brought me sunflowers. It was sweetest thing ever! He was an aspiring chef, who taught culinary art at a high school. He was that “cool teacher” type. We talked about food mostly, particularly his passion for cooking and my passion for eating good meals. Again, it was meant to be!

On our second date, he baked me the most delicious strawberry cheesecake. Then he had a surprise for me. He took me to a gay psychic. I have never done this so I was very eager to find out about my future. As the psychic laid out the tarot cards, he looked straight at me and said “You guys are not compatible lovers but good as friends.”

He said it with an intense gay lisp that kinda makes you chuckle a bit. I was not too disturbed with the psychic’s read. I was more curious about my personal future. The psychic also told me that I should be a psychologist – which was my major in college.

That night when he was trying to be affectionate, I turned him down. I don’t really believe in psychic powers, but I realized that we had no sexual chemistry. It took a psychic (or felt like a psychologist) to help me realize that all the “it was meant to be” thoughts were for our friendship. We broke up and lost touch.

It’s been well over 10 years and I decided to google him yesterday. I was shocked to learn that he died from cancer about 4 years after we dated. He was 32 at the time. I regret that I also gave up on our friendship and wish I can go back to do over. I want to go back to that psychic and asked if he had vision of this back then.

sunflower